荒漠之島

荒漠之島 01

Desert Islands by Deleuze 德勒茲

Geographers say there are two kinds of islands. This is valuable information for the imagination because it confirms 肯定what the imagination already knew.

 

地理學家說島嶼有兩種。這對想像是很有價值，因為它肯定了想像所已經知道的東西。

 

Nor is it the only case where science makes mythology more concrete 具體的, and mythology makes science more vivid 生動. Continental islands are accidental, derived得來的 islands.

 

科學使神話更加具體，神話使科學更加生動，這並非孤例。大陸的島嶼是偶然從島嶼演變而來。

 

They are separated from a continent, born of disarticulation 分離 , erosion 腐蝕, fracture 斷裂; they survive the absorption 吸收of what once contained 包容 them.

 

島嶼跟大陸分開，因分離、腐蝕、斷裂而誕生。他們經歷曾經被包容他們的大陸所吸收，卻依舊存活。

 

Oceanic islands are originary 原創, essential islands. Some are formed from coral reefs 珊瑚礁and display a genuine 真正的 organism 有機體

.

海洋的島嶼則是原創性，基本的島嶼。有些是從珊瑚礁演化而來，展現出是一種有機體。

 

Others emerge from underwater eruptions 爆發, bringing to the light of day a movement from the lowest depths. Some rise slowly; some disappear and then return, leaving us no time to annex 合併 them.

 

還有些島嶼是從海底的爆發，使深海底的動作重見天日。有些緩慢上升，有些消失後又回來，讓我們沒有時間合併他們。

 

These two kinds of islands, continental 大陸and originary, reveal a profound opposition 相對between ocean and land.

 

這兩種島嶼，大陸及原創性的島嶼，顯示海洋跟陸地之間深刻的對立。

 

Continental islands serve as a reminder 提醒 that the sea is on top of the earth, taking advantage of the slightest sagging 下垂 in the highest structures; oceanic islands, that the earth is still there, under the sea, gathering its strength to punch 敲擊 through to the surface.

 

大陸的島嶼提醒我們，海洋是在陸地的頂端，在最高結構裡，佔有些微下垂的優勢。而海洋的島嶼則提醒我們，陸地依舊在那裡，在海底，聚集力量要撞擊到表面。

 

We can assume that these elements are in constant strife 衝突, displaying a repulsion 嫌惡 for one another. In this we find nothing to reassure 使安心 us.

 

我們可以假定，這兩個因素是處於不斷衝突，展現互相的嫌惡。這一點我們找不到東西可以使我們安心。

 

Also, that an island is deserted must appear philosophically normal to us. Humans cannot live, nor live in security 安全, unless they assume that the active struggle between earth and water is over, or at least contained 包容

 

而且，島嶼是荒漠，對我們而言在哲學上似乎很正常。人類無法生活於安逸之中，除非他們假定，陸路跟水的積極爭鬥已經結束，或至少被包容。

 

People like to call these two elements mother and father, assigning them gender 性別 roles according to the whim 幻想 of their fancy.

 

人們喜歡稱呼這兩種因素為母親與父親，指定性別的角色，依照人類自己的胡思亂想。

 

They must somehow persuade themselves that a struggle of this kind does not exist, or that it has somehow ended.

 

人類必須設法說服自己，這種的爭鬥並不存在，或者以某種方法已經結束

 

In one way or another, the very existence of islands is the negation of this point of view, of this effort, this conviction.

 

以某種方式，島嶼的存在就是這種觀點、努力跟這種信仰的否定，

 

That England is populated will always come as a surprise; humans can live on an island only by forgetting what an island represents. Islands are either from before or for after humankind.

 

英倫島國人口稠密，總是令人驚奇。人類只有遺忘島嶼的象徵，才能夠居住島上。島嶼不是先於人類，就是後於人類。

 

But everything that geography has told us about the two kinds of islands, the imagination knew already on its own and in another way.

 

地理所告訴我們有關這兩種島嶼，想像已經憑藉自己或某種方式知道。

 

The elan that draws humans toward islands extends the double movement that produces islands in themselves.

 

吸引人類朝向島嶼的躍進，延伸這雙重動作，產生了島嶼本身。

 

Dreaming of islands—whether with joy or in fear, it doesn’t matter—is dreaming of pulling away, of being already separate, far from any continent, of being lost and alone—or it is dreaming of starting from scratch, recreating, beginning anew. Some islands drifted 漂浮 away from the continent, but the island is also that toward which one drifts; other islands originated 起源於in the ocean, but the island is also the origin, radical 激進  and absolute 絕對.

 

夢想島嶼，不論是歡樂或恐懼，都無所謂，其實就是夢想脫離，夢想已經分離，遠離大陸，夢想迷失跟孤單。或總是夢想從頭開始，重新創造，重新開始。有些島嶼漂浮離開大陸，但是島嶼也是自己漂浮所向的地方。其他島嶼起源於海洋，但是島嶼也是起源海洋，激進而絕對。

 

Certainly, separating and creating are not mutually 互相 exclusive 排除: one has to hold one’s own when one is separated, and had better be separate to create anew; nevertheless, one of the two tendencies 傾向 always predominates 佔優勢. In this way, the movement of the imagination of islands takes up the movement of their production, but they don’t have the same objective 目標.

 

的確，分離跟創造並不互相排斥；分離時，人必須掌握自己，而重新創造，人最好分離。可是，兩種傾向，總有一個佔優勢。以這種方式，島嶼的想像動作從事他們的創造動作，但是彼此的目標並不相同。

 

It is the same movement, but a different goal. It is no longer the island that is separated from the continent, it is humans who find themselves separated from the world when on an island.

 

動作相同，但是目標不同。不再是島嶼跟大陸分開，而是人發現自己在島上時，跟世界分開。

 

 It is no longer the island that is created from the bowels of the earth through the liquid depths, it is humans who create the world anew from the island and on the waters. Humans thus take up for themselves both movements of the island and are able to do so on an island that, precisely, lacks one kind of movement: humans can drift toward an island that is nonetheless originary, and they can create on an island that has merely drifted away.

 

不再是島嶼經由海洋深處，從陸地內部被創造，而是人從島上及水面上，重新創造世界。人因此為自己從事島嶼的動作，在缺乏動作的島上，人始能如此行為：人能漂浮朝向具有原創性的島，人在僅僅是漂浮離開的島上能夠創造。

 

On closer inspection, we find here a new reason for every island to be and remain in theory deserted.

 

仔細審查時，我們再此找到一個新的理由，讓每個島成為，也始終保持在理論上是荒漠。

 

An island doesn’t stop being deserted simply because it is inhabited. While it is true that the movement of humans toward and on the island takes up the movement of the island prior to humankind, some people can occupy the island—it is still deserted, all the more so, provided they are sufficiently, that is, absolutely separate, and provided they are sufficient, absolute creators.

 

 一個島並不因為有人居住就不再是荒漠。雖然人朝向島及在島上從事早先於人類的島的動作，也有些人能佔據島，但是島依舊是荒漠，而且更加是如此，假如他們充分分離，換言之，絕對分離，假如他們是充分的絕對的創造者。

 

Certainly, this is never the case in fact, though people who are shipwrecked approach such a condition. But for this to be the case, we need only extrapolate 推論 in imagination the movement they bring with them to the island.

 

的確，情形從來不是這樣，儘管遭遇船難的人會遇到這樣一種狀況。但是為了讓此事發生，

我們只要在想像中推論他們帶給島嶼的動作。

 

Only in appearance does such a movement put an end to the island’s desertedness; in reality, it takes up and prolongs the elan that produced the island as deserted. Far from compromising it, humans bring the desertedness to its perfection and highest point.

 

這樣一個動作只有在表象中結束島的荒漠；在真實中，這樣的動作從事並延長使島嶼之所以成為荒漠的那種激情。絲毫不妥協，人使荒漠表現得淋漓盡致。

 

In certain conditions which attach them to the very movement of things, humans do not put an end to desertedness, they make it sacred.

 

在某些使人跟事物的動作相連繫的狀況，人並沒有結束荒漠，而是人使之成為荒漠。

 

Those people who come to the island indeed occupy and populate it; but in reality, were they sufficiently separate, sufficiently creative, they would give the island only a dynamic image of itself, a consciousness of the movement which produced the island, such that through them the island would in the end become conscious of itself as deserted and unpeopled.

 

那些來到島上的人的確佔據並居住在島上，但事實上，假如他們充分分離，充分創造，他們會使島成為本身的活力形象，一種產生島的動作的意識：經由人，島最後意識到自己是荒漠，而且無人居住。

 

The island would be only the dream of humans, and humans, the pure consciousness of the island. For this to be the case, there is again but one condition: humans would have to reduce themselves to the movement that brings them to the island, the movement which prolongs and takes up the elan that produced the island. Then geography and the imagination would be one.

 

島將只是人類的夢想，而人類只是島的純粹意識。為了讓此事成為真實，只有一個條件：人必須將自己化減為成導致自己成為島的動作，這個動作延長並從事產生島的激情。然後地理跟想像將會合而為一。

 

To that question so dear to the old explorers—”which creatures live on deserted islands?”—one could only answer: human beings live there already, but uncommon humans, they are absolutely separate, absolute creators, in short, an Idea of humanity, a prototype, a man who would almost be a god, a woman who would be a goddess, a great Amnesiac, a pure Artist, a consciousness of Earth and Ocean, an enormous hurricane, a beautiful witch, a statue from the Easter Islands.

 

以前的探險家最為珍惜的一個問題：「何種動物居住在荒漠之島？」我們只有一個答案：人類本已經居住在那裡，但是不尋常的人，他們是絕對的分離，絕對的創造者，總之，是人性的理念，一種原型，一種近乎神的人物，一位將會成為女神的女人，一位遺世獨立的人物，一位純粹的藝術家，一種陸地跟海洋的意識，一陣強烈的颶風，一位美麗的女巫，一座復活島的雕像。

 

There you have a human being who precedes itself. Such a creature on a deserted island would be the deserted island itself, insofar as it imagines and reflects itself in its first movement.

 

在此你遇到一個早先於自己的人。這樣一種在荒漠島上的人，本身就是荒漠之島，因為此島第一個動作就是想像及沉思自己。

 

A consciousness of the earth and ocean, such is the deserted island, ready to begin the world anew. But since human beings, even voluntarily, are not identical to the movement that puts them on the island, they are unable to join with the elan that produces the island; they always encounter it from the outside, and their presence in fact spoils its desertedness.

 

荒漠之島就是大地及海洋的意識，準備重新開始這個世界。但是因為人類儘管是自願，還是無法跟使他們置身於島上的動作相一致，他們不能夠融入產生這個島的激情；他們總是從外在遭遇激情，而他們的存在事實上破壞了激情的荒漠。

 

The unity of the deserted island and its inhabitant is thus not actual, only imaginary, like the idea of looking behind the curtain when one is not behind it. More importantly, it is doubtful whether the individual imagination, unaided, could raise itself up to such an admirable identity; it would require the collective imagination, what is most profound in it, i.e. rites and mythology.

 

荒漠之島跟其居民的合一因此不是真實，而是想像，就像是人實際上不在簾幕後面，卻以為是透過簾幕觀物。更重要的是，個人的想像力若無外力援助，是否提升到如此令人崇敬的島與人合一，是值得懷疑的。因為那需要集體的想像力，其中最為深奧的，例如就是儀式跟神話。

 

In the facts themselves we find at least a negative confirmation of all this, if we consider what a deserted island is in reality, that is, geographically. The island, and all the more so the deserted island, is an extremely poor or weak notion from the point of view of geography.

 

在這事實的本身，我們至少發現一個對此持負面的肯定，假如我們認為一個荒漠之島在現實中，換言之，在地理上，是個什麼樣子。從地理的觀點而言，島嶼是一個極端貧瘠或虛弱的觀念，，尤其是荒漠之島更是如此。

 

This is to its credit. The range of islands has no objective unity, and deserted islands have even less. The deserted island may indeed have extremely poor soil. Deserted, the island may be a desert, but not necessarily.

 

這對島而言倒是慶幸。島嶼的範圍並沒有客觀的一致性，荒漠之島甚至更少。慌漠之島可能確實有極端貧瘠的土地。由無人居住，此島可能是荒漠，但未必盡然。

 

The real desert is uninhabited only insofar as it presents no conditions that by rights would make life possible, whether vegetable, animal, or human. On the contrary, the lack of inhabitants on the deserted island is a pure fact due to circumstance, in other words, the island’s surroundings.

 

真正的荒漠是無人居住，因為它並沒有呈現在道理上使生命跡象成為可能的狀況，無論是植物，動物，或人類。相反的，在荒漠之島的居民的缺乏，是現實狀況下，換言之，島的環境，是純粹的事實。

 

The island is what the sea surrounds and what we travel around. It is like an egg. An egg of the sea, it is round. It is as though the island had pushed its desert outside. What is deserted is the ocean around it. It is by virtue of circumstance, for other reasons than the principle on which the island depends, that ships pass in the distance and never come ashore.

 

這個島為海洋所包圍，也是我們旅行之地。它就像顆蛋。作為海上之蛋，它是圓的。宛如島已

經將它的荒漠推到外面。荒漠的是圍繞它的海洋。由於這樣的環境，船隻從遠處經過，從不上岸，理由百百種，都跟島所依靠的原則無關。

 

The island is deserted more than it is a desert. So much so, that in itself the island may contain the liveliest of rivers, the most agile fauna, the brightest flora, the most amazing nourishment, the hardiest of savages, and the castaway as its most precious fruit, it may even contain, however momentarily, the ship that comes to take him away. For all that, it is not any less a deserted island.

 

與其說島是無人跡，不如說是荒漠。如此的荒漠，以致於島的本身可能包含奔騰的河流，最生猛的動物，最鮮豔的植物，最令人驚奇的滋養，最強壯的土著，棄留地上的最珍貴的水果。它也可能包含前來載走他的船隻，雖然那是可遇不可求。儘管如此，那仍然是一個荒漠之島。

 

To change this situation, we would have to overhaul the general distribution of the continents, the state of the seas, and the lines of navigation.

 

為了改變這個情況，我們將全面調整大陸的一般分佈，海洋的狀態，及航海的路線。

 

This is to state once again that the essence of the deserted island is imaginary and not actual, mythological and not geographical. At the same time, its destiny is subject to those human conditions that make mythology possible.

 

容我再次聲明，荒漠之島的本質是想像，而非真實，是神話而非地理。同時，島的命運隸屬於那些使神話成為可能的人類的狀況。

 

Mythology is not simply willed into existence, and the peoples of the earth quickly ensured they would no longer understand their own myths. It is at this very moment literature begins.

 

神話不僅僅是因人類一廂情願而存在，陸地上的人很快的保證，他們不再了解自己的神話。文學就是從這個時刻開始。

 

Literature is the attempt to interpret, in an ingenious way, the myths we no longer understand, at the moment we no longer understand them, since we no longer know how to dream them or reproduce them.

 

文學企圖以巧妙的方式，詮釋我們不再相信的神話，在我們不再瞭解他們的時刻，因為我們不再知道如何去夢想神話或複製神話。

 

Literature is the competition of misinterpretations that consciousness naturally and necessarily produces on themes of the unconscious, and like every competition it has its prizes. One would have to show exactly how in this sense mythology fails and dies in two classic novels of the deserted island, Robinson and Suzanne.

 

根據無意識的主題，意識當然也必須產生各種錯誤的詮釋，這種錯誤的競賽就是文學。就像各種競賽一樣，文學有其獎品。我們將必須確實地顯示出來，荒漠之島的兩部經典小說，魯賓遜跟蘇珊娜，以這種意義，神話功敗垂成。

 

Suzanne and the Pacific emphasizes the separated aspect of islands, the separation of the young woman who finds herself there;¹ Robinson Crusoe, the creative aspect, the beginning anew.

 

「蘇珊娜及太平洋」強調島的分離的一面，當一位年輕女人發現自己在那裡的與人分離。「魯賓遜漂流記」則是強調創造的，重新開始的一面。

 

It is true that the way mythology fails is different in each case. In the case of Giraudoux’s Suzanne, mythology dies the prettiest, most graceful death. In Robinson’s case, its death is heavy indeed.

 

的確，神話失敗的方式兩個情形不一樣。對於吉羅德的蘇珊娜，神話垂亡得優美而高雅。在魯賓遜的情形，死亡確實是沉重。

 

One can hardly imagine a more boring novel, and it is sad to see children still reading it today. Robinson’s vision of the world resides exclusively in property; never have we seen an owner more ready to preach.

 

我們很想像還有比這些更無聊的小說。可是，令人感傷的是看到今天的小孩依舊在閱讀他們。

魯賓遜的世界觀完全停留在私有財產制度上，一位財產主人的津津樂道，真是前所未有。

 

The mythical recreation of the world from the deserted island gives way to the reconstitution of everyday bourgeois life from a reserve of capital. Everything is taken from the ship. Nothing is invented.

 

取代從荒漠之島神秘地重新創造的是日常的中產階級的生活，從資本的貯存中重新建構。每一樣東西都從船上取得，不用發明任何東西。

 

It is all painstakingly applied on the island. Time is nothing but the time necessary for capital to produce a benefit as the outcome of work. And the providential function of God is to guarantee a return.

 

取代的中產階級生活煞費苦心地被運用在島上。時間僅僅是資本運用結果，產生利潤所需的時間。上帝作為天佑的功用，則是保證回歸中產階級的生活。

 

God knows his people, the hardworking honest type, by their beautiful properties, and the evil doers, by their poorly maintained, shabby property. Robinson’s companion is not Eve, but Friday, docile towards work, happy to be a slave, and too easily disgusted by cannibalism.

 

上帝知道他的子民分兩種，一是勤奮而誠實的那一種，有著豐厚的財產，另一種是作姦犯科者，房產破落，維修不佳。魯賓遜的伙伴不是夏娃，而是星期五，溫順工作，樂於當奴隸，很容易為食人族所厭惡。

 

Any healthy reader would dream of seeing him eat Robinson. Robinson Crusoe represents the best illustration of that thesis which affirms the close ties between capitalism and Protestantism. The novel develops the failure and the death of mythology in Puritanism.

 

任何健全的讀者都會夢見到食人族正在吃魯賓遜。「魯賓遜漂浮記」代表那個命題最好的範例，那就是肯定資本主義跟基督教之間密切關係。小說發展神話在清教徒的失敗跟死亡。

 

Things are quite different with Suzanne. In her case, the deserted island is a depository of ready-made, luxurious objects. The island bears immediately what it has taken civilization centuries to produce, perfect, and ripen. But mythology still dies, though in Suzanne’s case it dies in a particularly Parisian way.

 

蘇珊娜的情形完全相反。在她的情形，荒漠之島是現成的奢侈物品的保管所。島嶼立即負載著文明幾世紀來所生產，改進，及成熟的的東西。但是神話依舊死亡，雖然在蘇珊娜的情形，神話以特別的巴黎人的方式而死。

 

Suzanne has nothing to create anew. The deserted island provides her with the double of every object from the city, in the windows of the shops; it is a double without consistency, separated from the real, since it does not receive the solidity that objects ordinarily take on in human relations, amidst buying and selling, exchanges and presents. She is an insipid young woman. Her companions are not Adam, but young cadavers, and when she reenters the world of living men, she will love them in a uniform way, like a priest, as though love were the minimum threshold of her perception.

 

蘇珊娜沒有創造新的東西。荒漠之島供應給她都市物品的仿冒品，展示於商店櫥窗。這個仿冒品跟真實物品隔開，並不相符，因為它並沒有具有一般物品在人的關係上具有的堅實性，在買與賣，交換與禮物上。

 

What must be recovered is the mythological life of the deserted island. However, in its very failure, Robinson gives us some indication 指示: he first needed a reserve 儲存 of capital 資本.

 

所需要恢復的是荒漠之島的神話生活。可是，由於神話的失敗，魯賓遜給我們一些指示：他首先需要累積資本。

 

In Suzanne’s case, she was first and foremost separate. And neither the one nor the other could be part of a couple.

 

在蘇珊娜的情形，她首要條件是分離。無論是此方或彼方，都不能夠是夫妻對方的所屬。

 

These three indications must be restored to their mythological purity 純淨 We have to get back to the movement of the imagination that makes the deserted island a model, a prototype 原型 of the collective soul.

 

神話要純淨，這三個指示必須恢復。我們必須回到使荒漠之島成為集體靈魂的典範，原型的

想像力的動作

 

First, it is true that from the deserted island it is not creation but re-creation, not the beginning but a re-beginning that takes place. The deserted island is the origin, but a second origin.

 

首先，從荒漠之島，所發生的事的確不是創造，而是重新創造，不是開始，而是重新開始。荒漠之島不是起源，而是二次起源。

 

From it everything begins anew. The island is the necessary minimum 最小量 for this re-beginning, the material that survives the first origin, the radiating 燦爛的seed 種子 or egg that must be sufficient 足夠 to re-produce everything.

 

從荒漠之島，一切重新開始。島是這個重新開始所需要的最小量，歷經第一次起源的物質，向外散發的種子或卵子，必須要足夠繁殖一切。

 

Clearly, this presupposes 預先假設 that the formation of the world happens in two stages, in two periods of time, birth and re-birth, and that the second is just as necessary and essential as the first, and thus the first is necessarily compromised 妥協, born for renewal 重生and already renounced 抨擊 in a catastrophe 災難.

 

顯然，這預先假定，世界的組成發生在兩個舞台，兩個時間的時期，出生跟重生。第二次重生跟第一次出生同要的需要跟重要。因此第一次出生是必須的妥協，為了重生而出生，在災難中飽受抨擊。

 

It is not that there is a second birth because there has been a catastrophe, but the reverse 相反, there is a catastrophe after the origin because there must be, from the beginning, a second birth.

 

這倒不是因為曾經有災難，所以才有第二次出生。相反的，是因為從一開始，就必須要有第二次重生，所以起源之後，災難發生。

 

Within ourselves we can locate the source of such a theme: it is not the production of life that we look for when we judge it to be life, but its reproduction. The animal whose mode of reproduction remains unknown to us has not yet taken its place among living beings.

 

我們能夠在我們自己身上找到這一個主題的來源。當我們認定這是生命時，我們所尋找的不是生命的產生，而是生命的繁殖。人為動物，卻尚未在生物當中有所替代物，因為其繁殖模式我們始終不得而知。

 

It is not enough that everything begins, everything must begin again once the cycle of possible combinations has come to completion. The second moment does not succeed the first: it is the reappearance of the first when the cycle of the other moments has been completed.

 

光是一切開始，一切都必須開始，仍然是不足夠的，一但可能的組合完成之後。第二次開始的時刻並沒有接續第一個開始，而是第一次開始的重現，當其他時刻的循環結束之時。

 

The second origin is thus more essential than the first, since it gives us the law of repetition, the law of the series, whose first origin gave us only moments. But this theme, even more than in our fantasies, finds expression in every mythology.

 

第二次起源因此比第一次更加重要，因為它給我們重複的法則，系列的法則，而第一次起源只給我們時刻。但是這個主題在每個神話中，比在我們的幻想中，表現得更為生動。

 

 It is well known as the myth of the flood. The ark sets down on the one place on earth that remains uncovered by water, a circular and sacred place, from which the world begins anew.

 

洪水的神話，眾所皆知。方舟置放在陸地的一個地方，始終未被洪水發現。那是一個巡迴而神聖的地方，世界從那裡重新開始。

 

It is an island or a mountain, or both at once: the island is a mountain under water, and the mountain, an island that is still dry. Here we see original creation caught in a re-creation, which is concentrated in a holy land in the middle of the ocean.

 

那是個島或是山，或同時皆是：島是在水底下的山，而山是尚未為水包圍的島。在此，我們看到原創性的創造陷於重新創造之網，專注於海洋中間的神聖土地。

 

This second origin of the world is more important than the first: it is a sacred island. Many myths recount that what we find there is an egg, a cosmic 宇宙的egg. Since the island is a second origin, it is entrusted 信托給 to man and not to the gods. It is separate, separated by the massive expanse 一大片 of the flood.

 

世界的第二次起源比第一次更加重要。那是一個神聖之島。許多神話描述，我們在那裡找到的是一粒卵子，宇宙的卵子。因為這個島是第二次的起源，它被信託給人，而不是給眾神。這個起源分離，被一大片的洪水所分離。

 

Ocean and water embody a principle of segregation such that, on sacred islands, exclusively female communities can come to be, such as the island of Circe or Calypso.

 

海洋跟水具體表現分離的原則，所以在神聖之島上，社會只能成為清一色是女性，就像是塞斯或凱利普索的女人島。

 

After all, the beginning started from God and from a couple, but not the new beginning, the beginning again, which starts from an egg: mythological maternity 母親 is often a parthenogenesis 單性生殖.

 

畢竟，開始起源於上帝，起源於夫妻，但是新的開始可不是，重新開始起源於卵子：神話的母親往往是單性生殖。

 

The idea of a second origin gives the deserted island its whole meaning, the survival of a sacred 神聖的place in a world that is slow to re-begin. In the ideal of beginning anew there is something that precedes the beginning itself, that takes it up to deepen it and delay it in the passage of time. The desert island is the material of this something immemorial 遠古的, this something most profound 深刻..

 

第二次起源的觀念賦予荒漠之島它全部的意義，在一個緩慢重新開始的世界，有一處神聖的地方保存下來。在重新開始的理想裡，有某件東西早先於開始的本身，在時間的流程中，深化及拖延開始。荒漠之島就是這個遠古的物質，這個深奧的某件東西。

 

32hsiung@pchome.com.tw

 

雄伯

暮光之城 05

暮光之城 05

 

2. OPEN BOOK

The next day was better… and worse.

 

It was better because it wasn’t raining yet, though the clouds were dense 濃密 and opaque 陰暗. It was easier because I knew what to expect of my day. Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at 怒目而視 him all the while; that was nattering 抱怨. People didn’t look at me quite as much as they had yesterday. I sat with a big group at lunch that included Mike, Eric, Jessica, and several other people whose names and faces I now remembered. I began to feel like I was treading 踐踏 water, instead of drowning in it.

 

It was worse because I was tired; I still couldn’t sleep with the wind echoing 迴響around the house. It was worse because Mr. Varner called on me in Trig 三角 when my hand wasn’t raised and I had the wrong answer. It was miserable because I had to play volleyball, and the one time I didn’t cringe 畏縮 out of the way of the ball, I hit my teammate in the head with it.

 

And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn’t in school at all. All morning I was dreading 害怕 lunch, fearing his bizarre 古怪 glares 注目. Part of me wanted to confront him and demand to know what his problem was. While I was lying sleepless in my bed, I even imagined what I would say. But I knew myself too well to think I would really have the guts to do it. I made the Cowardly 懦弱的 Lion look like the terminator 終結者.

 

But when I walked into the cafeteria with Jessica — trying to keep my eyes from sweeping the place for him, and failing entirely — I saw that his four siblings 兄弟姐妹of sorts 相同 were sitting together at the same table, and he was not with them.

 

Mike intercepted 攔住 us and steered 引導 us to his table. Jessica seemed elated 興高采烈 by the attention, and her friends quickly joined us. But as I tried to listen to their easy chatter 閒話, I was terribly uncomfortable, waiting nervously for the moment he would arrive. I hoped that he would simply ignore 忽略me when he came, and prove my suspicions 懷疑false.

 

He didn’t come, and as time passed I grew more and more tense 緊張. I walked to Biology with more confidence when, by the end of lunch, he still hadn’t showed. Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever 獵犬, walked faithfully by my side to class. I held my breath at the door, but Edward Cullen wasn’t there, either. I exhaled 呼氣and went to my seat. Mike followed, talking about an upcoming trip to the beach. He lingered 逗留 by my desk till the bell rang. Then he smiled at me wistfully 渴望地and went to sit by a girl with braces and 牙齒矯正器 a bad perm  燙髮. It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn’t be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy 外交was essential. I had never been enormously tactful 技巧; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys.

 

I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Edward was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn’t get rid of the nagging 嘮叨的 suspicion that I was the reason he wasn’t there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical 自我中心, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn’t stop worrying that it was true.

 

When the school day was finally done, and the blush 臉紅 was fading out of my cheeks from the volleyball 排球 incident, I changed quickly back into my jeans and navy blue 深藍色 sweater. I hurried from the girls’ locker room, pleased to find that I had successfully evaded 逃避 my retriever 獵犬friend for the moment. I walked swiftly out to the parking lot. It was crowded now with fleeing students. I got in my truck and dug through my bag to make sure I had what I needed.

 

Last night I’d discovered that Charlie couldn’t cook much besides fried eggs and bacon. So I requested that I be assigned kitchen detail for the duration 期間 of my stay. He was willing enough to hand over the keys to the banquet 宴會 hall. I also found out that he had no food in the house. So I had my shopping list and the cash from the jar 罐in the cupboard 廚櫃 labeled FOOD MONEY, and I was on my way to the Thriftway.

 

I gunned 發動 my deafening engine to life, ignoring the heads that turned in my direction, and backed carefully into a place in the line of cars that were waiting to exit the parking lot. As I waited, trying to pretend that the earsplitting rumble was coming from someone else’s car, I saw the two Cullens and the Hale twins getting into their car. It was the shiny new Volvo. Of course. I hadn’t noticed their clothes before — I’d been too

mesmerized 迷住 by their faces. Now that I looked, it was obvious that they were all dressed exceptionally well; simply, but in clothes that subtly 微妙地 hinted at designer origins. With their remarkable good looks, the style with which they carried themselves, they could have worn dishrags 抹布 and pulled it off 達成目標. It seemed excessive 過份 for them to have both looks and money.

 

But as far as I could tell, life worked that way most of the time. It didn’t look as if it bought them any acceptance here. No, I didn’t fully believe that. The isolation must be their desire; I couldn’t imagine any door that wouldn’t be opened by that degree of beauty.

 

They looked at my noisy truck as I passed them, just like everyone else. I kept my eyes straight forward and was relieved when I finally was free of the school grounds. The Thriftway was not far from the school, just a few streets south, off the highway. It was nice to be inside the supermarket; it felt normal. I did the shopping at home, and I fell into the pattern of the familiar task gladly. The store was big enough inside that I couldn’t hear the tapping 輕拍聲 of the rain on the roof to remind me where I was.

 

When I got home, I unloaded 打開 all the groceries 雜貨, stuffing 塞入 them in wherever I could find an open space. I hoped Charlie wouldn’t mind. I wrapped potatoes in foil 鋁箔 and stuck them in the oven 烤箱to bake, covered a steak in marinade 滷汁and balanced 平衡 it on top of a carton 盒of eggs in the fridge.

 

When I was finished with that, I took my book bag upstairs. Before starting my homework, I changed into a pair of dry sweats 汗衫, pulled my damp hair up into a pony-tail 馬尾, and checked my e-mail for the first time. I had three messages.

 

“Bella,” my mom wrote

Write me as soon as you get in. Tell me how your flight was. Is it raining? I miss you already. I’m almost finished packing for Florida, but I can’t find my pink blouse 短上衣. Do you know where I put it? Phil says hi.

Mom.

 

I sighed and went to the next. It was sent eight hours after the first.

“Bella,” she wrote…

Why haven’t you e-mailed me yet? What are you waiting for?

Mom.

 

The last was from this morning.

Isabella,

If I haven’t heard from you by 5:30 p.m. today I’m calling Charlie. I checked the clock. I still had an hour, but my mom was well known for jumping the gun 魯莽行事.

 

Mom,

Calm down. I’m writing right now. Don’t do anything rash. Bella.

 

I sent that, and began again.

 

Mom,

Everything is great. Of course it’s raining. I was waiting for something to write about. School isn’t bad, just a little repetitive. I met some nice kids who sit by me at lunch.

Your blouse is at the dry cleaners 烘乾機 – you were supposed to pick it up Friday.

Charlie bought me a truck, can you believe it? I love it. It’s old, but really sturdy 強壯, which is good, you know, for me. I miss you, too. I’ll write again soon, but I’m not going to check my e-mail every five minutes. Relax, breathe. I love you.

Bella.

 

I had decided to read Wuthering Heights — the novel we were currently studying in English — yet again for the fun of it, and that’s what I was doing when Charlie came home. I’d lost track of the time, and I hurried downstairs to take the potatoes out and put the steak in to broil烤架.

 

“Bella?” my father called out when he heard me on the stairs.

Who else? I thought to myself.

“Hey, Dad, welcome home.”

“Thanks.” He hung up his gun belt and stepped out of his boots 長筒鞋as I bustled 忙碌about the kitchen. As far as I was aware, he’d never shot the gun on the job. But he kept it ready.

 

When I came here as a child, he would always remove the bullets 子彈 as soon as he walked in the door. I guess he considered me old enough now not to shoot myself by accident, and not depressed enough to shoot myself on purpose.

 

“What’s for dinner?” he asked warily 謹慎地. My mother was an imaginative cook, and her experiments weren’t always edible. I was surprised, and sad, that he seemed to remember that far back.

 

“Steak and potatoes,” I answered, and he looked relieved.

 

He seemed to feel awkward standing in the kitchen doing nothing; he lumbered 移動 into the living room to watch TV while I worked. We were both more comfortable that way. I made a salad while the steaks cooked, and set the table.

 

I called him in when dinner was ready, and he sniffed 嗅 appreciatively 欣賞地 as he walked into the room.

 

“Smells good, Bell.”

 

“Thanks.” We ate in silence for a few minutes. It wasn’t uncomfortable. Neither of

us was bothered by the quiet. In some ways, we were well suited for living together.

 

“So, how did you like school? Have you made any friends?” he asked as he was taking seconds.

 

“Well, I have a few classes with a girl named Jessica. I sit with her friends at lunch. And there’s this boy, Mike, who’s very friendly.

 

Everybody seems pretty nice.” With one outstanding exception.

 

“That must be Mike Newton. Nice kid — nice family. His dad owns the sporting goods 運動用品 store just outside of town. He makes a good living off all the backpackers who come through here.”

 

“Do you know the Cullen family?” I asked hesitantly 猶豫.

“Dr. Cullen’s family? Sure. Dr. Cullen’s a great man.”

“They… the kids… are a little different. They don’t seem to fit in very well at school.”

Charlie surprised me by looking angry.

 

“People in this town,” he muttered 低聲咕嚕. “Dr. Cullen is a brilliant surgeon who could probably work in any hospital in the world, make ten times the salary he gets here,”

he continued, getting louder. “We’re lucky to have him — lucky that his wife wanted to live in a small town. He’s an asset 有用人材 to the community, and all of those kids are well behaved and polite.

 

I had my doubts, when they first moved in, with all those adopted teenagers. I thought we might have some problems with them. But they’re all very mature — I haven’t had one speck 絲毫 of trouble from any of them. That’s more than I can say for the children of some folks who have lived in this town for generations. And they stick together the way a family should — camping trips every other weekend… Just because they’re newcomers, people have to talk.”

 

It was the longest speech I’d ever heard Charlie make. He must feel strongly about whatever people were saying.

 

I backpedaled 後退.

 “They seemed nice enough to me. I just noticed they kept to themselves 獨往獨來. They’re all very attractive,” I added, trying to be more complimentary 恭維.

 

“You should see the doctor,” Charlie said, laughing. “It’s a good thing he’s happily married. A lot of the nurses at the hospital have a hard time concentrating on their work with him around.”

 

We lapsed 陷入back into silence as we finished eating. He cleared the table while I started on the dishes. He went back to the TV, and after I finished washing the dishes by hand — no dishwasher — I went upstairs unwillingly to work on my math homework. I could feel a tradition in the making 正在形成.

 

That night it was finally quiet. I fell asleep quickly, exhausted. The rest of the week was uneventful 平靜. I got used to the routine of my classes. By Friday I was able to recognize, if not name, almost all the students at school. In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness. I happily stayed out of their way. Edward Cullen didn’t come back to school.

 

Every day, I watched anxiously until the rest of the Cullens entered the cafeteria without him. Then I could relax and join in the lunchtime conversation. Mostly it centered around a trip to the La Push Ocean Park in two weeks that Mike was putting together. I was invited, and I had agreed to go, more out of politeness than desire. Beaches should be hot

and dry. By Friday I was perfectly comfortable entering my Biology class, no longer worried that Edward would be there. For all I knew, he had dropped out of school. I tried not to think about him, but I couldn’t totally suppress 壓制 the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed 雖然看起來荒謬.

 

My first weekend in Forks passed without incident. Charlie, unused to spending time in the usually empty house, worked most of the weekend. I cleaned the house, got ahead on my homework, and wrote my mom more bogusly 贗造 cheerful e-mail. I did drive to the library Saturday, but it was so poorly stocked 貯存 that I didn’t bother to get a card; I would have to make a date to visit Olympia or Seattle soon and find a good bookstore.

 

I wondered idly what kind of gas mileage 里程the truck got… and shuddered 顫慄at the thought. The rain stayed soft over the weekend, quiet, so I was able to sleep well. People greeted me in the parking lot Monday morning. I didn’t know all I did drive to the library Saturday, but it was so poorly stocked that I didn’t bother to get a card; I would have to make a date to visit Olympia or Seattle soon and find a good bookstore. I

wondered idly what kind of gas mileage the truck got… and shuddered at

the thought.

 

The rain stayed soft over the weekend, quiet, so I was able to sleep well.

People greeted me in the parking lot Monday morning. I didn’t know all their names, but I waved back and smiled at everyone. It was colder this morning, but happily not raining. In English, Mike took his accustomed seat by my side. We had a pop quiz on Wuthering Heights. It was straightforward 明確, very easy.

 

All in all, I was feeling a lot more comfortable than I had thought I would feel by this point. It was more comfortable than I had ever expected to feel here.

 

When we walked out of class, the air was full of swirling bits of white. I could hear people shouting excitedly to each other. The wind bit at my cheeks, my nose.

 

“Wow,” Mike said. “It’s snowing.”

 

I looked at the little cotton fluffs 蓬鬆物 that were building up along the sidewalk and swirling 旋轉 erratically 不穩定地past my face.

 

“Ew.” Snow. There went my good day.

 

He looked surprised. “Don’t you like snow?” “No. That means it’s too cold for rain.” Obviously. “Besides, I thought it was supposed to come down in flakes 雪花 — you know, each one unique and all that. These just look like the ends of Q-tips 棉花棒.”

 

“Haven’t you ever seen snow fall before?” he asked incredulously 不置信地.

“Sure I have.” I paused. “On TV.”

 

Mike laughed. And then a big, squishy 柔軟的 ball of dripping snow smacked 啪打 into the back of his head. We both turned to see where it came from. I had my suspicions about Eric, who was walking away, his back toward us — in the wrong direction for his next class. Mike apparently 明顯地 had the same notion.

 

He bent over and began scraping 刮together a pile of the white mush 糊狀物.

 

“I’ll see you at lunch, okay?” I kept walking as I spoke. “Once people start throwing wet stuff, I go inside.”

 

He just nodded, his eyes on Eric’s retreating 撤退figure. Throughout the morning, everyone chattered 閒聊 excitedly about the snow; apparently it was the first snowfall of the new year. I kept my mouth shut. Sure, it was drier than rain — until it melted in your socks 襪子.

 

I walked alertly 警覺地 to the cafeteria with Jessica after Spanish. Mush 糊狀的balls were flying everywhere. I kept a binder 紙夾 in my hands, ready to use it as a shield 擋板if necessary. Jessica thought I was hilarious 熱鬧, but something in my expression kept her from lobbing 投擲 a snowball at me herself.

 

Mike caught up to us as we walked in the doors, laughing, with ice melting the spikes 穗 in his hair. He and Jessica were talking animatedly 歡快地 about the snow fight as we got in line to buy food. I glanced toward that table in the corner out of habit. And then I froze where I stood. There were five people at the table. Jessica pulled on my arm.

 

“Hello? Bella? What do you want?”

I looked down; my ears were hot. I had no reason to feel self-conscious,

I reminded myself. I hadn’t done anything wrong.

 

“What’s with Bella?” Mike asked Jessica.

“Nothing,” I answered. “I’ll just get a soda today.” I caught up to the end of the line.

“Aren’t you hungry?” Jessica asked.

“Actually, I feel a little sick,” I said, my eyes still on the floor.

 

I waited for them to get their food, and then followed them to a table, my eyes on my feet. I sipped my soda slowly, my stomach churning. Twice Mike asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling.

 

I told him it was nothing, but I was wondering if I should play it up and escape to the nurse’s office for the next hour.

 

Ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to run away.

I decided to permit myself one glance at the Cullen family’s table. If he was glaring at me, I would skip Biology, like the coward I was.

 

I kept my head down and glanced up under my lashes. None of them were looking this way. I lifted my head a little.

 

They were laughing. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett all had their hair entirely saturated 飽滿 with melting snow. Alice and Rosalie were leaning away as Emmett shook his dripping hair toward them. They were enjoying the snowy day, just like everyone else — only they looked more like a scene from a movie than the rest of us.

 

But, aside from the laughter and playfulness, there was something different, and I couldn’t quite pinpoint 指出 what that difference was. I examined Edward the most carefully. His skin was less pale, I decided —flushed from the snow fight maybe — the circles under his eyes much less noticeable 引人注意. But there was something more. I pondered 沉思, staring, trying to isolate the change.

 

“Bella, what are you staring at?” Jessica intruded 闖入, her eyes following my stare.

 

At that precise 準確的 moment, his eyes flashed over to meet mine.

I dropped my head, letting my hair fall to conceal my face. I was sure, though, in the instant our eyes met, that he didn’t look harsh or unfriendly as he had the last time I’d seen him. He looked merely curious again, unsatisfied in some way.

 

“Edward Cullen is staring at you,” Jessica giggled 傻笑 in my ear.

“He doesn’t look angry, does he?” I couldn’t help asking.

“No,” she said, sounding confused by my question. “Should he be?”

“I don’t think he likes me,” I confided. I still felt queasy 嘔吐. I put my head down on my arm.

“The Cullens don’t like anybody… well, they don’t notice anybody enough to like them. But he’s still staring at you.”

“Stop looking at him,” I hissed 噓聲說.

 

She snickered 竊笑, but she looked away. I raised my head enough to make sure

that she did, contemplating 沉思 violence if she resisted.

Mike interrupted us then — he was planning an epic 史詩battle of the blizzard 大風雪 in the parking lot after school and wanted us to join. Jessica agreed enthusiastically.

 

The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested. I kept silent. I would have to hide in the gym until the parking lot cleared. For the rest of the lunch hour I very carefully kept my eyes at my own table. I decided to honor the bargain 交易I’d made with myself. Since he didn’t look angry, I would go to Biology. My stomach did frightened little flips 翻滾at the thought of sitting next to him again.

 

I didn’t really want to walk to class with Mike as usual — he seemed to be a popular target 目標 for the snowball snipers 狙擊手 — but when we went to the door, everyone besides me groaned 呻吟 in unison 一致地. It was raining, washing all traces 痕跡of the snow away in clear, icy ribbons down the side of the walkway. I pulled my hood 風帽up, secretly pleased. I would be free to go straight home after Gym.

 

Mike kept up a string of complaints on the way to building four. Once inside the classroom, I saw with relief that my table was still empty. Mr. Banner was walking around the room, distributing 分發 one microscope and box of slides 載玻片 to each table. Class didn’t start for a few minutes, and the room buzzed 嗡嗡with conversation. I kept my eyes away from the door, doodling 亂畫 idly on the cover of my notebook.

 

I heard very clearly when the chair next to me moved, but my eyes stayed carefully focused on the pattern I was drawing.

 

“Hello,” said a quiet, musical voice.

 

I looked up, stunned that he was speaking to me. He was sitting as far away from me as the desk allowed, but his chair was angled toward me. His hair was dripping wet, disheveled — even so, he looked like he’d just finished shooting a commercial for hair gel. His dazzling 令人目眩face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless 無瑕疵lips. But his eyes were careful.

 

“My name is Edward Cullen,” he continued. “I didn’t have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan.”

 

My mind was spinning with confusion. Had I made up the whole thing? He was perfectly polite now. I had to speak; he was waiting. But I couldn’t think of anything conventional to say.

 

“H-how do you know my name?” I stammered 口吃.

He laughed a soft, enchanting 迷人的 laugh.

“Oh, I think everyone knows your name. The whole town’s been waiting for you to arrive.”

 

I grimaced 扮鬼臉. I knew it was something like that.

“No,” I persisted stupidly. “I meant, why did you call me Bella?”

He seemed confused. “Do you prefer Isabella?”

“No, I like Bella,” I said. “But I think Charlie — I mean my dad — must call me Isabella behind my back — that’s what everyone here seems to know me as,” I tried to explain, feeling like an utter moron 傻瓜.

 

“Oh.” He let it drop. I looked away awkwardly.

Thankfully, Mr. Banner started class at that moment. I tried to concentrate as he explained the lab we would be doing today. The slides in the box were out of order. Working as lab partners, we had to separate the slides of onion root tip cells into the phases of mitosis they represented and label them accordingly. We weren’t supposed to use our

books. In twenty minutes, he would be coming around to see who had it right.

 

“Get started,” he commanded.

“Ladies first, partner?” Edward asked. I looked up to see him smiling a crooked 彎曲smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot.

 

“Or I could start, if you wish.” The smile faded; he was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent.

 

“No,” I said, flushing 臉紅. “I’ll go ahead.”

 

I was showing off 炫耀, just a little. I’d already done this lab, and I knew what I was looking for. It should be easy. I snapped  放入the first slide  載玻片 into place under the microscope and adjusted 調整 it quickly to the 40X objective 目標.

 

I studied the slide briefly.

My assessment was confident. “Prophase 初期.”

 

“Do you mind if I look?” he asked as I began to remove the slide. His hand caught mine, to stop me, as he asked. His fingers were ice-cold, like he’d been holding them in a snowdrift before class. But that wasn’t why I jerked 急拉 my hand away so quickly. When he touched me, it stung 刺 my hand as if an electric current電流 had passed through us.

 

“I’m sorry,” he muttered 低聲說, pulling his hand back immediately. However, he continued to reach for the microscope. I watched him, still staggered, as he examined the slide for an even shorter time than I had.

 

“Prophase,” he agreed, writing it neatly in the first space on our worksheet 作業指. He swiftly switched out the first slide for the second, and then glanced at it cursorily.

 

“Anaphase,” he murmured, writing it down as he spoke.

 

I kept my voice indifferent. “May I?”

He smirked 嘻笑 and pushed the microscope to me.

 

I looked through the eyepiece eagerly, only to be disappointed. Dang it, he was right.

“Slide three?” I held out my hand without looking at him.

 

He handed it to me; it seemed like he was being careful not to touch my skin again.

I took the most fleeting look I could manage.

 

“Interphase 中間相.” I passed him the microscope before he could ask for it. He took a swift peek, and then wrote it down. I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me. I didn’t want to spoil the page with my clumsy scrawl.

 

We were finished before anyone else was close. I could see Mike and his partner comparing two slides again and again, and another group had their book open under the table.

Which left me with nothing to do but try to not look at him… unsuccessfully. I glanced up, and he was staring at me, that same inexplicable 無法說明的 look of frustration in his eyes. Suddenly I identified that subtle difference in his face.

 

“Did you get contacts?” I blurted 模糊說出 out unthinkingly.

He seemed puzzled by my unexpected question. “No.”

 

“Oh,” I mumbled 含糊說. “I thought there was something different about your

eyes.”

He shrugged, and looked away.

In fact, I was sure there was something different. I vividly 生動地 remembered

the flat black color of his eyes the last time he’d glared at me — the color was striking against the background of his pale skin and his auburn 赤褐色的hair. Today, his eyes were a completely different color: a strange ocher 黃土色, darker than butterscotch 褐色脆絣, but with the same golden tone. I didn’t understand how that could be, unless he was lying for some reason about the contacts 隱形眼鏡. Or maybe Forks was making me crazy in the literal sense of the word.

 

I looked down. His hands were clenched 緊握into hard fists 拳頭 again.

Mr. Banner came to our table then, to see why we weren’t working. He looked over our shoulders to glance at the completed lab, and then stared more intently 專心 to check the answers.

 

“So, Edward, didn’t you think Isabella should get a chance with the microscope?” Mr. Banner asked.

 

“Bella,” Edward corrected automatically. “Actually, she identified three of the five.”

 

Mr. Banner looked at me now; his expression was skeptical懷疑.

“Have you done this lab before?” he asked.

I smiled sheepishly 靦腆地. “Not with onion root.”

“Whitefish 白鮭 blastula 囊胚?”

“Yeah.”

 

Mr. Banner nodded. “Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” he said after a moment, “I guess it’s good you two are lab partners.” He mumbled something else as he walked away. After he left, I began doodling 亂畫 on my notebook again.

 

“It’s too bad about the snow, isn’t it?” Edward asked. I had the feeling that he was forcing himself to make small talk with me. Paranoia 偏執狂 swept over me again. It was like he had heard my conversation with Jessica at lunch and was trying to prove me wrong.

 

“Not really,” I answered honestly, instead of pretending to be normal like everyone else. I was still trying to dislodge 逐出the stupid feeling of suspicion, and I couldn’t concentrate.

 

“You don’t like the cold.” It wasn’t a question.

“Or the wet.”

“Forks must be a difficult place for you to live,” he mused 沉思.

“You have no idea,” I muttered 低聲咕嚕 darkly.

 

He looked fascinated by what I said, for some reason I couldn’t imagine.

His face was such a distraction 分心物 that I tried not to look at it any more than courtesy 禮貌 absolutely demanded.

 

“Why did you come here, then?”

No one had asked me that — not straight out like he did, demanding.

“It’s… complicated.”

“I think I can keep up 跟上,” he pressed 堅持.

 

I paused for a long moment, and then made the mistake of meeting his gaze. His dark gold eyes confused me, and I answered without thinking.

 

“My mother got remarried,” I said.

“That doesn’t sound so complex,” he disagreed, but he was suddenly sympathetic. “When did that happen?”

 

“Last September.” My voice sounded sad, even to me.

“And you don’t like him,” Edward surmised 推測, his tone still kind.

“No, Phil is fine. Too young, maybe, but nice enough.”

“Why didn’t you stay with them?”

 

I couldn’t fathom his interest, but he continued to stare at me with penetrating eyes, as if my dull life’s story was somehow vitally important.

 

“Phil travels a lot. He plays ball for a living.” I half-smiled.

“Have I heard of him?” he asked, smiling in response.

“Probably not. He doesn’t play well. Strictly minor league. He moves around a lot.”

“And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him.” He said it as an assumption 推測 again, not a question.

 

My chin 下顎 raised a fraction 一點點 . “No, she did not send me here. I sent myself.”

His eyebrows 眉毛 knit 打結  together. “I don’t understand,” he admitted, and he seemed unnecessarily frustrated by that fact.

I sighed. Why was I explaining this to him? He continued to stare at me with obvious curiosity.

 

“She stayed with me at first, but she missed him. It made her unhappy… so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie.” My voice was glum 悶悶不樂by the time I finished.

 

“But now you’re unhappy,” he pointed out.

“And?” I challenged.

 

“That doesn’t seem fair.” He shrugged, but his eyes were still intense.

I laughed without humor. “Hasn’t anyone ever told you? Life isn’t fair.”

 

“I believe I have heard that somewhere before,” he agreed dryly 不露表情.

“So that’s all,” I insisted, wondering why he was still staring at me that way.

 

His gaze became appraising 評估. “You put on a good show,” he said slowly.

“But I’d be willing to bet that you’re suffering more than you let anyone see.”

I grimaced 做鬼臉 at him, resisting the impulse 衝動 to stick out my tongue like a

five-year-old, and looked away.

 

“Am I wrong?”

I tried to ignore him.

“I didn’t think so,” he murmured smugly.沾沾自喜

 

“Why does it matter to you?” I asked, irritated. I kept my eyes away, watching the teacher make his rounds.

 

“That’s a very good question,” he muttered, so quietly that I wondered if he was talking to himself. However, after a few seconds of silence, I decided that was the only answer I was going to get.

 

I sighed, scowling 皺眉頭 at the blackboard.

“Am I annoying you?” he asked. He sounded amused.

 

I glanced at him without thinking… and told the truth again. “Not exactly. I’m more annoyed at myself. My face is so easy to read — my mother always calls me her open book.” I frowned.

“On the contrary, I find you very difficult to read.” Despite everything that I’d said and he’d guessed, he sounded like he meant it.

 

“You must be a good reader then,” I replied.

“Usually.” He smiled widely, flashing a set of perfect, ultrawhite 超白的teeth.

 

Mr. Banner called the class to order 守秩序then, and I turned with relief to listen. I was in disbelief that I’d just explained my dreary 可怕的life to this bizarre 古怪, beautiful boy who may or may not despise me. He’d seemed engrossed 全神貫注in our conversation, but now I could see, from the corner of my eye, that he was leaning away from me again, his hands gripping 捉住 the edge of the table with unmistakable tension 緊張.

 

I tried to appear attentive as Mr. Banner illustrated, with transparencies 幻燈片 on the overhead projector 投影機, what I had seen without difficulty through the microscope. But my thoughts were unmanageable.

 

When the bell finally rang, Edward rushed as swiftly and as gracefully from the room as he had last Monday. And, like last Monday, I stared after him in amazement.

 

Mike skipped 跳 quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging 擺動的 tail.

 

“That was awful,” he groaned. “They all looked exactly the same. You’re lucky you had Cullen for a partner.”

 

“I didn’t have any trouble with it,” I said, stung by his assumption. I regretted the snub 冷落 instantly. “I’ve done the lab before, though,” I added before he could get his feelings hurt.

 

“Cullen seemed friendly enough today,” he commented as we shrugged into our raincoats. He didn’t seem pleased about it.

 

I tried to sound indifferent. “I wonder what was with him last Monday.”

 

I couldn’t concentrate on Mike’s chatter as we walked to Gym, and RE. didn’t do much to hold my attention, either. Mike was on my team today.

 

He chivalrously covered my position as well as his own, so my wool-gathering 白日夢 was only interrupted when it was my turn to serve 發球; my team ducked 躲避 warily 小心翼翼out of the way every time I was up.

 

The rain was just a mist as I walked to the parking lot, but I was happier when I was in the dry cab. I got the heater running, for once not caring about the mind-numbing 使心靈麻木 roar of the engine. I unzipped 拉開拉鍊 my jacket, put the hood down, and fluffed 使鬆散 my damp hair out so the heater could dry it on the way home.

 

I looked around me to make sure it was clear. That’s when I noticed the still, white figure. Edward Cullen was leaning against the front door of the Volvo, three cars down from me, and staring intently in my direction.

 

I swiftly  迅速地 looked away and threw the truck into reverse 倒轉 , almost hitting a rusty 生鏽的Toyota Corolla in my haste. Lucky for the Toyota, I stomped 用力綵on the brake in time. It was just the sort of car that my truck would make scrap metal of. I took a deep breath, still looking out the other side of my car, and cautiously 小心地pulled out again, with greater success. I stared straight ahead as I passed the Volvo, but from a peripheral周圍 peek 偷看 , I would swear I saw him laughing.

 

32hsiung@pchome.com.tw

雄伯

暮光之城 04

暮光之城 04

 

“Have they always lived in Forks?” I asked. Surely I would have noticed them on one of my summers here.

 

“No,” she said in a voice that implied it should be obvious, even to a new arrival like me. “They just moved down two years ago from somewhere in Alaska.”

 

I felt a surge  洶湧of pity, and relief. Pity because, as beautiful as they were, they were outsiders, clearly not accepted. Relief because I wasn’t the only newcomer here, and certainly not the most interesting by any standard 標準.

 

As I examined them, the youngest, one of the Cullens, looked up and met my gaze, this time with evident curiosity in his expression. As I looked swiftly away, it seemed to me that his glance held some kind of unmet 沒有滿足的 expectation.

 

“Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair?” I asked. I peeked at 偷看him from the corner of my eye, and he was still staring at me, but not gawking 張口瞠視like the other students had today — he had a slightly frustrated expression. I looked down again.

 

“That’s Edward. He’s gorgeous 帥氣, of course, but don’t waste your time. He doesn’t date. Apparently 明顯的 none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him.” She sniffed 嗤之以鼻, a clear case of sour grapes 酸葡萄. I wondered when he’d turned her down 拒絕

 

I bit my lip to hide my smile. Then I glanced at him again. His face was turned away, but I thought his cheek appeared lifted 提高, as if he were smiling, too. After a few more minutes, the four of them left the table together. They all were noticeably  顯著graceful 優雅— even the big, brawny 肌肉結實 one. It was unsettling 心神不寧 to watch. The one named Edward didn’t look at me again.

 

I sat at the table with Jessica and her friends longer than I would have if I’d been sitting alone. I was anxious not to be late for class on my first day. One of my new acquaintances, who considerately 相當地 reminded me that her name was Angela, had Biology II with me the next hour. We walked to class together in silence. She was shy, too.

 

When we entered the classroom, Angela went to sit at a black-topped 黑色桌面的 lab table exactly like the ones I was used to. She already had a neighbor. In fact, all the tables were filled but one. Next to the center aisle 走道, I recognized Edward Cullen by his unusual hair, sitting next to that single open seat.

 

As I walked down the aisle to introduce myself to the teacher and get my slip 紙條 signed, I was watching him surreptitiously 秘密地. Just as I passed, he suddenly went rigid 僵硬 in his seat. He stared at me again, meeting my eyes with the strangest expression on his face — it was hostile 敵意, furious憤怒 . I looked away quickly, shocked, going red again.

 

I stumbled 絆住 over a book in the walkway and had to catch myself on the edge of a table.

 

The girl sitting there giggled 傻笑.

 

I’d noticed that his eyes were black — coal black.

 

Mr. Banner signed my slip and handed me a book with no nonsense 無聊的話 about introductions. I could tell we were going to get along 相處得好. Of course, he had no choice but to send me to the one open seat in the middle of the room. I kept my eyes down as I went to sit by him, bewildered 困窘 by the antagonistic 敵意的 stare 凝視he’d given me.

 

I didn’t look up as I set my book on the table and took my seat, but I saw his posture 姿態 change from the corner of my eye. He was leaning away from me, sitting on the extreme edge of his chair and averting 轉移 his face like he smelled something bad. Inconspicuously 不明顯地, I sniffed  嗅嗅 my hair. It smelled like strawberries 草莓, the scent of my favorite shampoo 洗髮精. It seemed an innocent enough odor 味道. I let my hair fall over my right shoulder, making a dark curtain 簾幕 between us, and tried to pay attention to the teacher.

 

Unfortunately the lecture was on cellular 細胞 anatomy 解剖, something I’d already studied. I took notes carefully anyway, always looking down.I couldn’t stop myself from peeking 偷看 occasionally through the screen of my hair at the strange boy next to me.

 

During the whole class, he never relaxed his stiff 僵硬的 position on the edge of his chair, sitting as far from me as possible. I could see his hand on his left leg was clenched 緊握 into a fist 拳頭, tendons 手腱standing out under his pale skin. This, too, he never

relaxed. He had the long sleeves of his white shirt pushed up to his elbows 手肘, and his forearm was surprisingly hard and muscular 肌肉結實beneath his light 淡色skin. He wasn’t nearly as slight 微不足道as he’d looked next to his burly 魁梧的 brother.

 

The class seemed to drag on 慢吞吞進行 longer than the others. Was it because the day was finally coming to a close, or because I was waiting for his tight fist to loosen 鬆開? It never did; he continued to sit so still 安靜 it looked like he wasn’t breathing.

 

What was wrong with him? Was this his normal behavior? I questioned my judgment on Jessica’s bitterness 怨恨 at lunch today. Maybe she was not as resentful 怨恨 as I’d thought. It couldn’t have anything to do with me. He didn’t know me from Eve.

 

I peeked 偷看 up at him one more time, and regretted it. He was glaring down at me again, his black eyes full of revulsion 嫌惡. As I flinched 退縮 away from him, shrinking against my chair, the phrase if looks could kill suddenly ran through my mind.

 

At that moment, the bell rang loudly, making me jump, and Edward Cullen was out of his seat. Fluidly  流暢地 he rose — he was much taller than I’d thought — his back to me, and he was out the door before anyone else was out of their seat.

 

I sat frozen in my seat, staring blankly 茫然地 after him. He was so mean 卑鄙. It wasn’t fair. I began gathering up my things slowly, trying to block 阻擋the anger that filled me, for fear my eyes would tear up. For some reason, my temper was hardwired 接線到 to my tear ducts 輸送管 . I usually cried when I was angry,a humiliating tendency.

 

“Aren’t you Isabella Swan?” a male voice asked.

 

I looked up to see a cute, baby-faced boy, his pale blond hair carefully gelled 膠化into  orderly spikes 穗狀 , smiling at me in a friendly way. He obviously didn’t think I smelled bad.

 

“Bella,” I corrected him, with a smile.

“I’m Mike.”

“Hi, Mike.”

“Do you need any help finding your next class?”

“I’m headed to the gym, actually. I think I can find it.”

 

“That’s my next class, too.” He seemed thrilled 興奮, though it wasn’t that big of a coincidence 巧合 in a school this small.

We walked to class together; he was a chatterer 話匣子  — he supplied 供應 most of the

conversation, which made it easy for me. He’d lived in California till he was ten, so he knew how I felt about the sun. It turned out he was in my English class also. He was the nicest person I’d met today.

 

But as we were entering the gym, he asked, “So, did you stab 刺 Edward Cullen with a pencil or what? I’ve never seen him act like that.” I cringed 畏縮. So I wasn’t the only one who had noticed. And, apparently, that wasn’t Edward Cullen’s usual behavior. I decided to play dumb 裝啞巴.

 

“Was that the boy I sat next to in Biology?” I asked artlessly 無掩飾地.

“Yes,” he said. “He looked like he was in pain or something.”

“I don’t know,” I responded. “I never spoke to him.”

 

“He’s a weird 古怪的 guy.” Mike lingered 逗留by me instead of heading to the dressing room 更衣室. “If I were lucky enough to sit by you, I would have talked to you.”.

 

I smiled at him before walking through the girls’ locker room 衣櫃室 door. He was friendly and clearly admiring. But it wasn’t enough to ease 平息 my irritation 憤怒.

 

The Gym 體育 teacher, Coach 教練 Clapp, found me a uniform but didn’t make me dress down for today’s class. At home, only two years of P. E . were required 必修. Here, P.E. 體育 was mandatory  強制all four years. Forks was literally 實際上 my personal hell on Earth.

 

I watched four volleyball 排球 games running simultaneously 同時. Remembering how many injuries I had sustained 遭受 — and inflicted 痛苦— playing volleyball, I felt faintly nauseated 嘔吐.

 

The final bell rang at last. I walked slowly to the office to return my paperwork. The rain had drifted away, but the wind was strong, and colder. I wrapped my arms around myself. When I walked into the warm office, I almost turned around and walked back out. Edward Cullen stood at the desk in front of me. I recognized again that tousled 蓬亂的 bronze hair. He didn’t appear to notice the sound of my entrance.

 

I stood pressed against the back wall, waiting for the receptionist 接待員to be free.

He was arguing with her in a low, attractive voice. I quickly picked up the gist 要點 of the argument. He was trying to trade 更換 from sixth-hour Biology to another time — any other time.

 

I just couldn’t believe that this was about me. It had to be something else, something that happened before I entered the Biology room. The look on his face must have been about another aggravation 惡化 entirely. It was impossible that this stranger could take such a sudden, intense dislike to me.

 

The door opened again, and the cold wind suddenly gusted 吹過 through the room, rustling 移動 the papers on the desk, swirling 旋轉 my hair around my face. The girl who came in merely stepped to the desk, placed a note in the wire basket 繩籃, and walked out again. But Edward Cullen’s back stiffened 僵硬 , and he turned slowly to glare at me — his face was absurdly 荒謬 handsome —with piercing 刺穿, hate-filled eyes. For an instant, I felt a thrill of genuine 真正 fear, raising the hair on my arms. The look only lasted a second, but it chilled 使寒顫 me more than the freezing wind. He turned back to the receptionist.

 

“Never mind, then,” he said hastily  匆促in a voice like velvet 柔和. “I can see that it’s impossible. Thank you so much for your help.” And he turned on his heel without another look at me, and disappeared out the door.

 

I went meekly 溫順地 to the desk, my face white for once instead of red, and handed her the signed slip 紙條.

 

“How did your first day go, dear?” the receptionist asked maternally 慈母般地 .

 

“Fine,” I lied, my voice weak. She didn’t look convinced.

 

When I got to the truck, it was almost the last car in the lot. It seemed like a haven 避風港, already the closest thing to home I had in this damp green hole. I sat inside for a while, just staring out the windshield 擋風玻璃 blankly 茫然地. But soon I was cold enough to need the heater 熱氣 , so I turned the key and the engine roared 響起 to life. I headed back to Charlie’s house, fighting tears the whole way there.

 

32hsiung@pchome.com.tw

雄伯

暮光之城 03

暮光之城 03

 

Inside the truck, it was nice and dry. Either Billy or Charlie had obviously cleaned it up, but the tan  褐色 upholstered 皮套 seats still smelled faintly  模糊地 of tobacco, gasoline, and peppermint 薄荷. The engine started quickly, to my relief, but loudly, roaring to life and then idling 怠速at top volume 最大量 . Well, a truck this old was bound to have a flaw 瑕疵. The antique 古董 radio worked, a plus 附加物that I hadn’t expected.

 

Finding the school wasn’t difficult, though I’d never been there before. The school was, like most other things, just off the highway. It was not obvious that it was a school; only the sign, which declared it to be the Forks High School, made me stop. It looked like a collection of matching 相同的 houses, built with maroon-colored 褐紫色 bricks. There were so many trees and shrubs 灌木 I couldn’t see its size at first. Where was the feel of the institution 機構? I wondered nostalgically 懷舊地. Where were the chain-link fences 鍊條連結的圍牆 , the metal detectors 偵測器? I parked in front of the first building, which had a small sign over the door reading front office. No one else was parked there, so I was sure it was off limits 閒人莫停, but I decided I would get directions inside instead of circling around 繞圈子 in the rain like an idiot. I stepped unwillingly out of the toasty 舒適的truck cab and walked down a little stone path lined with dark hedges 圍籬. I took a deep breath before opening the door.

 

Inside, it was brightly lit 燈光明亮, and warmer than I’d hoped. The office was small; a little waiting area with padded 有墊底的 folding 摺疊 chairs, orange-flecked 橘色斑點 commercial carpet, notices and awards cluttering 堆滿 the walls, a big clock ticking loudly. Plants grew everywhere in large plastic pots 塑膠花盆, as if there wasn’t enough greenery outside. The room was cut in half by a long counter, cluttered  堆滿with wire baskets full of papers and brightly colored flyers 傳單taped 捆綁 to its front. There were three desks behind the counter, one of which was manned 坐by a large, red-haired woman wearing glasses. She was wearing a purple 紫色 t-shirt, which immediately made me feel overdressed .

 

The red-haired woman looked up. “Can I help you?”

 

“I’m Isabella Swan,” I informed her, and saw the immediate awareness light her eyes. I was expected, a topic of gossip 閒話  no doubt. Daughter of the Chief’s flighty 輕浮的 ex-wife, come home at last.

 

 

“Of course,” she said. She dug through a precariously 不穩地 stacked 堆放pile of documents on her desk till she found the ones she was looking for. “I have your schedule right here, and a map of the school.” She brought several sheets to the counter to show roe. She went through my classes for me, highlighting 劃出 the best route 路線 to each on the map, and gave me a slip 紙條 to have each teacher sign, which I was to bring back at the end of the day. She smiled at me and hoped, like Charlie, that I would like it here in Forks. I smiled back as convincingly as I could.

 

When I went back out to my truck, other students were starting to arrive. I drove around the school, following the line of traffic. I was glad to see that most of the cars were older like mine, nothing flashy 俗豔. At home I’d lived in one of the few lower-income neighborhoods that were included in the Paradise Valley District. It was a common thing to see a new Mercedes 賓士or Porsche 保時捷in the student lot 停車場. The nicest car here was a shiny Volvo, and it stood out 顯著. Still, I cut the engine as soon as I was in a spot, so that the thunderous 隆隆 volume 音量 wouldn’t draw attention to me. I looked at the map in the truck, trying to memorize it now; hopefully I wouldn’t have to walk around with it stuck in front of my nose all day. I stuffed 塞入 everything in my bag, slung 懸吊the strap 帶子over my shoulder, and sucked in 吸入 a huge breath. I can do this, I lied to myself feebly 微弱地. No one was going to bite me. I finally exhaled 呼氣 and stepped out of the truck. I kept my face pulled back into my hood 風帽 as I walked to the sidewalk, crowded with teenagers. My plain black jacket didn’t stand out, I noticed with relief.

 

Once I got around the cafeteria 自助餐廳 , building three was easy to spot 偵查. A large black “3” was painted on a white square on the east corner. I felt my breathing gradually creeping toward hyperventilation 過度換氣 as I approached the door. I tried holding my breath as I followed two unisex 男女通用的 raincoats through the door. The classroom was small. The people in front of me stopped just inside the door to hang up their coats on a long row of hooks 掛勾. I copied them. They were two girls, one a porcelain-colored 瓷器顏色 blonde , the other also pale, with light brown hair. At least my skin wouldn’t be a standout 顯著here. I took the slip 紙條 up to the teacher, a tall, balding 禿頭 man whose desk had a nameplate 名牌 identifying him as Mr. Mason. He gawked at 張口瞠視 me when he saw my name — not an encouraging response — and of course I flushed  臉紅 tomato red. But at least he sent me to an empty desk at the back without introducing me to the class. It was harder for my new classmates to stare at me in the back, but somehow, they managed. I kept my eyes down on the reading list the teacher had given me. It was fairly basic: Bronte, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Faulkner. I’d already read everything. That was comforting… and boring. I wondered if my mom would send me my folder 文件夾of old essays, or if she would think that was cheating. I went through different arguments with her in my head while the teacher droned on 嗡嗡地說. When the bell rang, a nasal 鼻音 buzzing 嗡嗡 sound, a gangly 身材瘦長 boy with skin problems and hair black as an oil slick 掩飾 leaned across the aisle to talk to me.

 

“You’re Isabella Swan, aren’t you?” He looked like the overly helpful, chess club 棋藝社 type.

 

“Bella,” I corrected. Everyone within a three-seat radius 半徑 turned to look at me.

“Where’s your next class?” he asked.

 

I had to check in my bag. “Um, Government, with Jefferson, in building six.” There was nowhere to look without meeting curious eyes.

 

“I’m headed toward building four, I could show you the way…” Definitely 明確地over-helpful. “I’m Eric,” he added.

 

I smiled tentatively 猶豫地. “Thanks.”

 

We got our jackets and headed out into the rain, which had picked up. I could have sworn several people behind us were walking close enough to eavesdrop 竊聽. I hoped I wasn’t getting paranoid 偏執狂. “So, this is a lot different than Phoenix, huh?” he asked.

 

“Very.”

“It doesn’t rain much there, does it?”

“Three or four times a year.”

“Wow, what must that be like?” he wondered.

“Sunny,” I told him.

“You don’t look very tan 曬成褐色.”

“My mother is part albino 白化症.”

 

He studied my face apprehensively 恐懼地 , and I sighed. It looked like clouds and a sense of humor didn’t mix. A few months of this and I’d forget how to use sarcasm 嘲諷.

 

雄伯註：貝拉賣弄幽默，說母親有白化症，男生信以為真，還恐懼地打量她的臉孔。機智反應上就讓她瞧不起，故憤而嘲諷想，若所遇之人皆如此，自己的嘲諷本事，將無用武之地。

 

We walked back around the cafeteria, to the south buildings by the gym. Eric walked me right to the door, though it was clearly marked 標明.

 

“Well, good luck,” he said as I touched the handle. “Maybe we’ll have some other classes together.” He sounded hopeful.

 

I smiled at him vaguely and went inside.

 

The rest of the morning passed in about the same fashion 方式. My Trigonometry 三角

teacher, Mr. Varner, who I would have hated anyway just because of the subject he taught, was the only one who made me stand in front of the class and introduce myself. I stammered 結結巴巴, blushed 臉紅, and tripped 絆住 over my own boots on the way to my seat.

 

After two classes, I started to recognize several of the faces in each class. There was always someone braver than the others who would introduce themselves and ask me questions about how I liked Forks. I tried to be diplomatic 外交, but mostly I just lied a lot. At least I never needed the map.

 

雄伯註：同學好心跟她交談，貝拉卻只是為了禮貌，勉強回應，自我解嘲說，初到陌生地方，總得有人引路。

 

One girl sat next to me in both Trig 三角 and Spanish, and she walked with me to the cafeteria for lunch. She was tiny, several inches shorter than my five feet four inches, but her wildly curly 捲曲 dark hair made up  彌補 a lot of the difference between our heights. I couldn’t remember her name, so I smiled and nodded as she prattled 閒聊 about teachers and classes. I didn’t try to keep up 湊合.

 

We sat at the end of a full table with several of her friends, who she introduced to me. I forgot all their names as soon as she spoke them. They seemed impressed by her bravery in speaking to me. The boy from English, Eric, waved at me from across the room.

It was there, sitting in the lunchroom, trying to make conversation with seven curious strangers, that I first saw them.

 

They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where I sat as possible in the long room. There were five of them. They weren’t talking, and they weren’t eating, though they each had a tray 盤 子of untouched food in front of them. They weren’t gawking 張口瞠視at me, unlike most of the other students, so it was safe to stare at them without fear of meeting an excessively interested pair of eyes. But it was none of these

things that caught, and held, my attention. They didn’t look anything alike.

 

Of the three boys, one was big — muscled 肌肉結實 like a serious weight lifter 舉重選手, with dark, curly 捲曲的 hair. Another was taller, leaner, but still muscular 肌肉結實, and honey 討人喜歡 的 blond 白人. The last was lanky 瘦長, less bulky 大塊頭 , with untidy 不乾淨, bronze-colored 銅色 hair. He was more boyish than the others, who looked like they could be in college, or even teachers here rather than students. The girls were opposites. The tall one was statuesque 優雅. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated 插圖 swimsuit issue 雜誌, the kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem 壓下自尊 just by being in the same room. Her hair was golden, gently waving to the middle of her back. The short girl was pixielike 頑皮, thin in the extreme 極端瘦, with small features. Her hair was a deep black, cropped 剪短 short and pointing in every direction.

 

And yet, they were all exactly alike. Every one of them was chalky 粉筆般 pale 蒼白, the palest of all the students living in this sunless town. Paler than me, the albino白化症. They all had very dark eyes despite the range in hair tones 色度. They also had dark shadows under those eyes — purplish 紫色, bruiselike 瘀傷般 shadows. As if they were all suffering from a sleepless night, or almost done recovering from a broken nose. Though their noses, all their features, were straight, perfect, angular 有嶙角. But all this is not why I couldn’t look away. I stared because their faces, so different, so similar, were all devastatingly 毀滅性, inhumanly beautiful. They were faces you never expected to see except perhaps on the airbrushed 噴霧的 pages of a fashion magazine. Or painted by an old master as the face of an angel. It was hard to decide who was the most beautiful — maybe the perfect blond 金黃色 girl, or the bronze-haired 銅色頭髮 boy.

 

They were all looking away — away from each other, away from the other students, away from anything in particular as far as I could tell. As I watched, the small girl rose with her tray 盤子 — unopened soda 汽水, unbitten apple — and walked away with a quick, graceful 優雅的 lope 奔走 that belonged on a runway. I watched, amazed at her lithe 輕盈 dancer’s step, till she dumped 傾倒 her tray and glided 滑倒through the back door, faster than I would have thought possible. My eyes darted 疾駛 back to the others, who sat unchanging. “Who are they?” I asked the girl from my Spanish class, whose name I’d forgotten.

 

As she looked up to see who I meant — though already knowing, probably,from my tone — suddenly he looked at her, the thinner one, the boyish one, the youngest, perhaps. He looked at my neighbor for just a fraction  of a second 不到一秒, and then his dark eyes flickered 閃爍 to mine.

 

He looked away quickly, more quickly than I could, though in a flush of embarrassment I dropped my eyes at once. In that brief flash of a glance, his face held nothing of interest — it was as if she had called his name, and he’d looked up in involuntary response, already having decided not to answer.

 

My neighbor giggled 傻笑 in embarrassment, looking at the table like I did. “That’s Edward and Emmett Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The one who left was Alice Cullen; they all live together with Dr. Cullen and his wife.” She said this under her breath 小聲地說. I glanced sideways at the beautiful boy, who was looking at his tray now,

picking a bagel 麵包圈to pieces with long, pale fingers. His mouth was moving very quickly, his perfect lips barely opening. The other three still looked away, and yet I felt he was speaking quietly to them.

 

Strange, unpopular names, I thought. The kinds of names grandparents had. But maybe that was in vogue 流行 here — small town names? I finally remembered that my neighbor was called Jessica, a perfectly common name. There were two girls named Jessica in my History class back home.

 

“They are… very nice-looking.” I struggled with the conspicuous 明顯的 understatement 低調.

 

“Yes!” Jessica agreed with another giggle 傻笑. “They’re all together though —

Emmett and Rosalie, and Jasper and Alice, I mean. And they live together.” Her voice held all the shock and condemnation 譴責 of the small town, I thought critically 批評地. But, if I was being honest, I had to admit that even in Phoenix, it would cause gossip 閒話.

 

“Which ones are the Cullens?” I asked. “They don’t look related…”

 

“Oh, they’re not. Dr. Cullen is really young, in his twenties or early thirties. They’re all adopted 收養. The Hales are brother and sister, twins —the blondes — and they’re foster 收養 children.”

 

“They look a little old for foster children.”

“They are now, Jasper and Rosalie are both eighteen, but they’ve been with Mrs. Cullen since they were eight. She’s their aunt or something like that.”

 

“That’s really kind of nice — for them to take care of all those kids like that, when they’re so young and everything.”

 

“I guess so,” Jessica admitted reluctantly 勉強地, and I got the impression that she didn’t like the doctor and his wife for some reason. With the glances 眼光she was throwing at their adopted children, I would presume 假定the reason was jealousy 妒嫉. “I think that Mrs. Cullen can’t have any kids, though,” she added, as if that lessened 減少their kindness.

 

Throughout all this conversation, my eyes flickered 閃爍 again and again to the table where the strange family sat. They continued to look at the walls and not eat.

暮光之城 02

暮光之城 02

 

“What kind of car?” I was suspicious of 懷疑 the way he said “good car for you” as opposed to 相對於 just “good car.”

 

“Well, it’s a truck actually, a Chevy.”

“Where did you find it?”

 

“Do you remember Billy Black down at La Push?” La Push is the tiny Indian reservation 保留區 on the coast.

 

“No.”

“He used to go fishing with us during the summer,” Charlie prompted 提示 .

 

That would explain why I didn’t remember him. I do a good job of blocking 阻擋 painful, unnecessary things from my memory.

 

“He’s in a wheelchair 輪椅 now,” Charlie continued when I didn’t respond, “so he can’t drive anymore, and he offered 提議 to sell me his truck cheap.”

 

“What year is it?” I could see from his change of expression that this was the question he was hoping I wouldn’t ask.

 

“Well, Billy’s done a lot of work on the engine 引擎 — it’s only a few years old, really.”

 

I hoped he didn’t think so little of 看輕 me as to believe I would give up that easily. “When did he buy it?”

 

“He bought it in 1984, I think.”

“Did he buy it new?”

 

“Well, no. I think it was new in the early sixties — or late fifties at the earliest,” he admitted sheepishly 靦腆地.

 

“Ch — Dad, I don’t really know anything about cars. I wouldn’t be able to fix it if anything went wrong, and I couldn’t afford a mechanic 技師…”

 

“Really, Bella, the thing runs great. They don’t build them like that anymore.”

 

The thing, I thought to myself… it had possibilities — as a nickname, at the very least.

 

“How cheap is cheap?” After all, that was the part I couldn’t compromise on 妥協.

 

“Well, honey, I kind of already bought it for you. As a homecoming 回家的gift.”

 

Charlie peeked sideways 斜視 at me with a hopeful expression.

Wow. Free.

 

“You didn’t need to do that, Dad. I was going to buy myself a car.”

 

“I don’t mind. I want you to be happy here.” He was looking ahead at the road when he said this. Charlie wasn’t comfortable with expressing his emotions out loud. I inherited 遺傳 that from him. So I was looking straight ahead as I responded.

 

“That’s really nice, Dad. Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

 

There is no need to add that my being happy in Forks is an impossibility. He didn’t need to suffer along with me. And I never looked a free truck in the mouth — or engine.

 

“Well, now, you’re welcome,” he mumbled 咕嚕地說, embarrassed by my thanks. We exchanged a few more comments on the weather, which was wet, and that was pretty much it for Conversation. We stared out the windows in silence.

 

It was beautiful, of course; I couldn’t deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss 苔蘚 , their branches hanging with a canopy 樹頂 of it, the ground covered with fern 蕨類植物. Even the air filtered 過濾 down greenly through the leaves. It was too green — an alien 外來 planet 行星.

 

Eventually we made it to Charlie’s. He still lived in the small, two-bedroom house that he’d bought with my mother in the early days of their marriage. Those were the only kind of days their marriage had — the early ones. There, parked on the street in front of the house that never changed, was my new — well, new to me — truck. It was a faded 褪色的 red color, with big, rounded fenders 防護板 and a bulbous 球形的 cab. To my intense 強烈的surprise, Iloved it. I didn’t know if it would run, but I could see myself in it.

 

Plus 而且, it was one of those solid 堅固的iron affairs that never gets damaged —the kind you see at the scene of an accident, paint unscratched 未被刮傷, surrounded by the pieces of the foreign car it had destroyed.

 

“Wow, Dad, I love it! Thanks!” Now my horrific day tomorrow would be just that much less dreadful. I wouldn’t be faced with the choice of either walking two miles in the rain to school or accepting a ride in the Chief’s cruiser 巡邏車.

 

“I’m glad you like it,” Charlie said gruffly 嚴肅地說, embarrassed again. It took only one trip to get all my stuff upstairs. I got the west bedroom that faced out over the front yard. The room was familiar; it had been belonged to me since I was born. The wooden floor, the light blue walls, the peaked 尖頂 ceiling 天花板, the yellowed lace curtains 窗簾 around the window —these were all a part of my childhood. The only changes Charlie had ever made were switching the crib 嬰兒床 for a bed and adding a desk as I grew. The desk now held a secondhand computer, with the phone line for the modem 數據機 stapled 釘住along the floor to the nearest phone jack 插座. This was a stipulation 規定 from my mother, so that we could stay in touch easily. The rocking chair 搖椅 from my baby days was still in the corner.

 

There was only one small bathroom at the top of the stairs, which I would have to share with Charlie. I was trying not to dwell too much on 詳述 that fact.

 

One of the best things about Charlie is he doesn’t hover 俳徊. He left me alone to unpack 打開行李 and get settled, a feat 技巧that would have been altogether 完全 impossible for my mother. It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly 沮喪地 out the window at the sheeting 一大片 rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn’t in the mood to go on a real crying jag 一陣哭. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.

 

Forks High School had a frightening total of only three hundred and fifty-seven — now fifty-eight — students; there were more than seven hundred people in my junior class alone back home. All of the kids here had grown up together — their grandparents had been toddlers 幼童 together.

 

I would be the new girl from the big city, a curiosity, a freak 怪人

 

Maybe, if I looked like a girl from Phoenix should, I could work this to my advantage. But physically, I’d never fit in anywhere. I should be tan 皮膚曬黑, sporty 運動型, blond — a volleyball 排球 player, or a cheerleader, perhaps — all the things that go with living in the valley of the sun.

 

Instead, I was ivory-skinned 乳白皮膚, without even the excuse of blue eyes or red hair, despite the constant sunshine. I had always been slender, but soft somehow, obviously not an athlete; I didn’t have the necessary hand-eye coordination 協調 to play sports without humiliating 羞辱 myself — and harming both myself and anyone else who stood too close.

 

When I finished putting my clothes in the old pine dresser 松木衣櫃, I took my bag of bathroom necessities and went to the communal bathroom to clean myself up after the day of travel. I looked at my face in the mirror as I brushed through my tangled 糾纏, damp hair. Maybe it was the light, but already I looked sallower 氣色不好, unhealthy. My skin could be pretty — it was very clear, almost translucent-looking 清澈 — but it all depended on color. I had no color here.

 

 

Facing my pallid 蒼白的 reflection in the mirror, I was forced to admit that I was lying to myself. It wasn’t just physically that I’d never fit in. And if I couldn’t find a niche 適當地位 in a school with three thousand people, what were my chances here?

 

I didn’t relate well to 相處得好 people my age. Maybe the truth was that I didn’t relate well to people, period. Even my mother, who I was closer to than anyone else on the planet, was never in harmony 和諧 with me, never on exactly the same page. Sometimes I wondered if I was seeing the same things through my eyes that the rest of the world was seeing through theirs. Maybe there was a glitch 毛病 in my brain. But the cause didn’t matter. All that mattered was the effect. And tomorrow would be just the beginning.

 

I didn’t sleep well that night, even after I was done crying. The constant whooshing 淅瀝聲 of the rain and wind across the roof wouldn’t fade into the background. I pulled the faded old quilt 棉被 over my head, and later added the pillow, too. But I couldn’t fall asleep until after midnight, when the rain finally settled into a quieter drizzle毛毛雨. Thick fog was all I could see out my window in the morning, and I could feel the claustrophobia  幽閉恐怖症 creeping 爬上 up on me. You could never see the sky here; it was like a cage.

 

Breakfast with Charlie was a quiet event. He wished me good luck at school. I thanked him, knowing his hope was wasted. Good luck tended to avoid me. Charlie left first, off to the police station that was his wife and family. After he left, I sat at the old square oak 橡木 table in one of the three unmatching 不相配 chairs and examined his small kitchen, with its dark paneled walls, bright yellow cabinets, and white linoleum floor. Nothing was changed. My mother had painted the cabinets 櫥櫃eighteen years ago in an

attempt to bring some sunshine into the house. Over the small fireplace in the adjoining 鄰近的 handkerchief-sized family room was a row of pictures.

 

First a wedding picture of Charlie and my mom in Las Vegas, then one of the three of us in the hospital after I was born, taken by a helpful nurse, followed by the procession 一大排 of my school pictures up to last year’s. Those were embarrassing to look at — I would have to see what I could do to get Charlie to put them somewhere else, at least while I was living here..

 

It was impossible, being in this house, not to realize that Charlie had never gotten over my mom. It made me uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be too early to school, but I couldn’t stay in the house anymore. I donned 穿上 my jacket — which had the feel of a biohazard 防菌裝 suit —and headed out into the rain.

 

It was just drizzling 毛毛雨 still, not enough to soak me through immediately as I reached for the house key that was always hidden under the eaves 屋簷 by the door, and locked up. The sloshing 潑濺 of my new waterproof 防水 boots 長筒鞋 was unnerving 嚇人的. I missed the normal crunch 嘎吱聲of gravel 碎石 as I walked. I couldn’t pause and admire my truck again as I wanted; I was in a hurry to get out of the misty wet 迷霧的溼氣that swirled 旋轉 around my head and clung to my hair under my hood.

 

32hsiung@pchome.com.tw

雄伯

暮光之城 01

暮光之城 01

 

PREFACE

前言

 

I’d never given much thought to 思考過how I would die — though I’d had reason enough

in the last few months — but even if I had, I would not have imagined it like this.

 

I stared 凝視 without breathing across the long room, into the dark eyes of the hunter, and he looked pleasantly back at me.

 

Surely it was a good way to die, in the place of 代替 someone else, someone I loved. Noble 高貴, even. That ought to count for 解釋 something.

 

I knew that if I’d never gone to Forks, I wouldn’t be facing death now.

But, terrified as I was 雖然我害怕, I couldn’t bring myself to 沒有勇氣 regret the decision.When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, it’s

not reasonable to grieve 痛苦 when it comes to an end.

 

The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered 從容走來 forward to kill me.

 

 

===========================================================================

1. FIRST SIGHT

 

My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down 車窗拉下. It was

seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was

wearing my favorite shirt — sleeveless, white eyelet 圓孔眼lace 鑲邊; I was wearing

it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on 小皮箱item was a parka 有套頭外套 .

 

In the Olympic Peninsula 半島of northwest Washington State, a small town

named Forks exists under a near-constant 幾乎是固定 cover of clouds. It rains on

this inconsequential 不重要的town more than any other place in the United States

of America. It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent 無所不在shade that

my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old. It was in this town that I’d been compelled to spend a month every summer until I was fourteen. That was the year I finally put my foot down 堅決不再這樣; these past three summers, my dad, Charlie, vacationed 度假 with me in California for two weeks instead.

 

 

It was to Forks that I now exiled 放逐myself— an action that I took with great horror. I detested 討厭 Forks.

 

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering 讓人曬得起水泡的heat. I loved the

Vigorous 有活力, sprawling 伸展的 city.

 

“Bella,” my mom said to me — the last of a thousand times — before I got on the plane. “You don’t have to do this.”

 

My mom looks like me, except with short hair and laugh lines 微笑的輪廓 . I felt a spasm of panic 一陣驚慌 as I stared at her wide, childlike eyes. How could I leave my loving, erratic 乖僻的, harebrained 傻氣的 mother to fend for herself 自生自滅? Of course she had Phil now, so the bills 帳單 would probably get paid, there would be food in the refrigerator, gas in her car, and someone to call when she got lost, but still…

 

“I want to go,” I lied. I’d always been a bad liar, but I’d been saying this lie so frequently lately that it sounded almost convincing 令人信服 now.

 

“Tell Charlie I said hi.”

“I will.”

“I’ll see you soon,” she insisted. “You can come home whenever you want —

I’ll come right back as soon as you need me.”

 

 

But I could see the sacrifice 犧牲 in her eyes behind the promise.

“Don’t worry about me,” I urged 建議. “It’ll be great. I love you, Mom.”

She hugged me tightly for a minute, and then I got on the plane, and she was gone.

 

It’s a four-hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle, another hour in a small plane up to Port Angeles, and then an hour drive back down to Forks.

 

Flying doesn’t bother me; the hour in the car with Charlie, though, I was a little worried about. Charlie had really been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely 真正地 pleased that I was coming to live with him for the first time with any degree of permanence 永久. He’d already gotten me registered 註冊for high school and was going to help me get a car.

 

But it was sure to be awkward 笨拙 with Charlie. Neither of us was what anyone

would call verbose 囉唆, and I didn’t know what there was to say regardless 儘管如此. I knew he was more than a little confused 困惑by my decision — like my mother before me, I hadn’t made a secret of my distaste 不喜歡 for Forks. When I landed in Port Angeles, it was raining. I didn’t see it as an omen 惡兆just unavoidable. I’d already said my goodbyes to the sun.

 

—       

Charlie was waiting for me with the cruiser 巡邏車. This I was expecting, too.

Charlie is Police Chief Swan 天使警長to the good people of Forks. My primary

motivation 動機 behind buying a car, despite the scarcity 貧乏 of my funds, was

that I refused to be driven around town in a car with red and blue lights on top. Nothing slows down traffic like a cop. 警察可攔住交通

 

There is nothing like swimming in summer. 夏天游泳最好。

There is no place like home. 沒有一個地方像家那麼好。

 

Charlie gave me an awkward, one-armed hug when I stumbled my way off 搖晃地走下the plane.

 

“It’s good to see you, Bells,” he said, smiling as he automatically caught and steadied 穩住 me. “You haven’t changed much. How’s Renee?”

 

“Mom’s fine. It’s good to see you, too, Dad.” I wasn’t allowed to call him Charlie to his face.

 

I had only a few bags. Most of my Arizona clothes were too permeable 單薄for Washington. My mom and I had pooled 合資 our resources to supplement 補充 my winter wardrobe 衣櫥, but it was still scanty 貧乏. It all fit easily into the trunk 行李廂of the cruiser.

 

“I found a good car for you, really cheap,” he announced 宣佈 when we were strapped in 套上安全帶.

 

32hsiung@pchome.com.tw

雄伯

消費社會 02

消費社會 02

The Consumer Society by Baudrillard

 

Everydayness as closure, as Verborgenheit, would be unbearable 無法忍受without the simulacrum 幻影of the world, without the alibi 藉口of participation in the world. It has to be fuelled刺激 by the images, the repeated signs of that transcendence 超驗. As we have seen, its tranquility 寧靜needs the vertiginous 暈眩的spin 旋轉of reality and history. Its tranquility requires perpetual 永久consumed violence for its own exaltation 欣喜

 

That is its particular obscenity 猥褻. It is partial to events and violence, provided 假如the violence is served up at room temperature. The caricature 諷刺 image of this has the TV viewer lounging 閒逛in front of images of the Vietnam War. The TV image, like a window turned outside-in , opens initially 起初on to a room and, in that room, the cruel exteriority 外在性of the world becomes something intimate 親蜜and warm — warm with a perverse 變態 warmth.

 

At this `lived’ level, consumption makes maximum 最大量exclusion 排除from the (real, social, historical) world the maximum index 索引of security. It seeks the resolution 溶化 of tensions — that happiness by default 缺席. But it runs up against 對抗a contradiction: the contradiction between the passivity implied by this new value system and the norms 規範of a social morality which, in essentials, remains one of voluntarism, action, efficacy 功效and sacrifice. Hence, the intense sense of guilt which attaches to 連繫this new style of hedonistic 享樂的behavior and the urgent need, clearly outlined 描述by the `strategists 策略of desire’, to take the guilt out of passivity. For millions of people without histories, and happy to be so, passivity has to be rendered 成為 guiltless. And this is where spectacular 壯觀的

dramatization by the mass media comes in (the accident/catastrophe report as a generalized category 分類of all messages): in order for this contradiction between puritanical 禁欲and hedonistic享樂 morality to be resolved, this tranquility 寧靜of the private sphere範圍 has to appear as a value preserved 保存 only with great difficulty, constantly under threat and beset by the dangers of a catastrophic 災難destiny. The violence and inhumanity 非人性of the outside world are needed not just so that security may be experienced more deeply as security (in the economy of enjoyment [jouissance]), but also so that it should be felt justifiable 有道理 at every moment as an option 選擇(in the economy of the morality of salvation 救贖). The signs of destiny, passion and fatality 宿舍 must flourish 興隆around the preserved zone地區 in order 有秩序

 

The formal liturgy 聖餐式of the object that everydayness may seize back the grandeur 輝煌and sublimity 崇高 of which it is, precisely, the reverse 逆轉的 side. Fatality 宿命is thus evoked 召喚and signified on all sides, so that banality 陳腐 may revel狂喜 in it and find favor. The fact that road accidents play so extraordinarily well on radio and TV, in the press, in individual conversation and in the talk of the nation proves this: the crash is the finest exemplar 例子of `daily fatality’. If it is exploited 利用with such passion, this is because it performs an essential collective function. The litany 連續of road deaths is rivaled 匹敵only by the litany of weather forecasts. In fact the two form a mythic couple — the obsession 著迷with the sun and the litany of death are inseparable 不可分開.

 

The formal liturgy 聖餐式of the object that everydayness may seize back the grandeur 輝煌and sublimity 崇高 of which it is, precisely, the reverse 逆轉的 side. Fatality 宿命is thus evoked 召喚and signified on all sides, so that banality 陳腐 may revel狂喜 in it and find favor. The fact that road accidents play so extraordinarily well on radio and TV, in the press, in individual conversation and in the talk of the nation proves this: the crash is the finest exemplar 例子of `daily fatality’. If it is exploited 利用with such passion, this is because it performs an essential collective function. The litany 連續of road deaths is rivaled 匹敵only by the litany of weather forecasts. In fact the two form a mythic couple — the obsession 著迷with the sun and the litany of death are inseparable 不可分開.

 

Everydayness thus offers this curious mix of euphoric 幸福感 justification 理由by `social standing’ and passivity, on the one hand, and the delectatio 愉快的morosa 孤僻of potential 潛在 victims of destiny on the other. The whole forms a specific mentality or, rather, `sentimentality’ 多愁善感. The consumer society sees itself as an encircled Jerusalem, rich and threatened. That is its ideology. 意識形態

消費社會 01

消費社會 01

 The Consumer Society by Baudrillard 布希亞

Part I: The Formal 正式的Liturgy 聖餐儀式of the Object

 

1: Profusion 慷慨

 

There is all around us today a kind of fantastic奇妙的 conspicuousness 顯著 of consumption and abundance豐富, constituted 組成 by the multiplication 加倍 of objects, services and material goods, and this represents something of a fundamental mutation 變種 in the ecology 生態學of the human species 品種. Strictly speaking, the humans of the age of affluence 豐富are surrounded not so much by other human beings, as they were in all previous ages, but by objects. Their daily dealings處理 are now not so much with their fellow men, but rather– on a rising statistical 統計的curve曲線 — with the reception and manipulation 操控of goods and messages. This

runs from the very complex organization 組職 of the household, with its dozens of

technical 機械的slaves, to street furniture and the whole material machinery of communication; from professional activities to the permanent spectacle of the celebration of the object in advertising and the hundreds of daily messages from the mass media; from the minor proliferation 繁殖of vaguely obsessional gadgetry 機件to the symbolic psychodramas心理劇 fuelled 激發by the nocturnal 夜間的objects which come to haunt 縈繞 us even in our dreams. The two concepts `environment’ and `ambience’ 氣氛have doubtless only enjoyed such a vogue since we have come to live not so much alongside other human beings — in their physical presence and the presence of their speech — as beneath the mute gaze 眼光of mesmerizing 迷惑, obedient objects which endlessly repeat the same refrain 疊句: that of our dumbfounded 驚愕的power, our virtual affluence 富裕, our absence one from another. Just as the wolf-child became a wolf by living among wolves, so we too are slowly becoming functional 功用性

 

We live by object time: by this I mean that we live at the pace 步調 of objects, live to the rhythm 韻律of their ceaseless succession連續. Today, it is we who watch them as they are born, grow to maturity 成熟and die, whereas in all previous civilizations it was timeless objects, instruments or monuments which outlived活得更長久 the generations of human beings.

 

Objects are neither a flora 植物nor a fauna 動物. And yet they do indeed give the impression of a proliferating 增殖 vegetation, a jungle in which the new wild man of modern times has difficulty recovering the reflexes 反應 of civilization.

 

We have to attempt rapidly to describe this fauna 動物and flora 植物, which man has produced and which comes back to encircle 包圍and invade 侵犯 him as it might in a bad science fiction novel. We have to describe these things as we see and experience them, never forgetting, in their splendor 輝煌and profusion 豐富, that they are the product of a human activity and are dominated 支配 not by natural ecological 生態的 laws, but by the law of exchange-value 交換價值. The busiest streets of London are crowded with shops whose show cases 櫥櫃display all the riches of the world, Indian shawls 圍巾, American revolvers 手槍, Chinese porcelain 瓷器, Parisian corsets 緊身褡, furs 皮草from Russia and spices from the tropics熱帶, but all of these worldly things bear odious 可憎的, white paper labels with Arabic numerals 數字and the laconic 簡明的symbols ￡.s.d. This is how commodities 貨物are presented in circulation. 流通 (Marx) 馬克思

 

2

Profusion 豐富and the Package 包裹

 

Profusion and the package, piling high are clearly the most striking 顯著descriptive 描述性 features. The big department stores, with their abundance of canned foods and clothing, of foodstuffs and ready-made garments 衣服, are like the primal 原始的landscape, the geometrical locus of abundance. But every street, with its cluttered 塞滿, glittering 閃亮shop-windows (the least scarce 稀少的commodity 貨品here being light, without which the merchandise 貨物would be merely what it is), their displays of cooked meats, and indeed the entire alimentary 營養的and vestimentary 衣服的feast, all stimulate 刺激magical salivation 唾液. There is something more in this piling 堆放high than the quantity of products: the manifest 明顯 presence of surplus 多餘, the magical, definitive negation of scarcity 稀少, the maternal, luxurious sense of being already in the Land of Cockaigne. Our markets, major shopping thoroughfares 通道and superstores also mimic a new-found nature of prodigious 巨大的fecundity豐饒. These are our Valleys of Canaan where, in place of milk and honey, streams of neon flow down over ketchup 番茄醬and plastic. But no matter! We find here the fervid 熾熱的hope that there should be not enough, but too much — and too much for everyone: by buying a piece of this land, you acquire the crumbling 崩坍pyramid of oysters 牡蠣, meats, pears or tinned 罐裝asparagus 蘆筍. You buy the part for the whole. And this metonymic 換喻, repetitive discourse of consumable matter, of the commodity 貨物 , becomes once again, through a great collective metaphor by virtue of 憑藉its very excess — the image of the gift, and of that inexhaustible 耗不完的and spectacular prodigality 豐饒 which characterizes the feast.

 

32hsiung@pchome.com.tw

雄伯

火的詩學 03

火的詩學 03

Fragments of A Poetics of Fire by Gaston Bachelard 巴舍拉

 

VII

 

   Sometimes it is through resistance 抗拒 to Empedoclean imagery, by means of contradiction 矛盾, that the path to Empedoclean seduction comes to light 顯現出來.

 

   Our temptation to cast ourselves into the flames is not fulfilled. We balk 畏怯already at the thought of even minor burns. This provides us an initial 最初protection at least against what is too hot to handle, a physiological d生理上的efense which allows us to enjoy Empedoclean temptations in all safety. In the final analysis, the image of Empedocles is one of those rare images 稀有的意象 which has never had a victim.

 

   It is for this reason that the Empedocles Complex 情結appears in transposed 轉換的form, and that it is capable of returning to life with tremendous 巨大的violence in poetry.

 

   I seem not have adequately 足夠stressed in my earlier essay on The Psychoanalysis of Fire the nuance  細微差別which distinguishes the power of the senses in real life from the power of the sense in imagined, imagining, imaginary life. TheEmpedocles Complex as once transposed 轉換permits us to dramatize our reveries before fire, rendering 使成為them excessive. By means of excessive imagining we enter the realm 領域 of the poetic, and thus read the poets dynamically 戲劇性地.

 

   Poets bring new life to our complexes of solitude 孤獨情結. To read a poem about the death of Empedocles is to become the solitary 孤獨 hero—and the poet as well:

 

        And gladly, did not love restrain 遏制me,

            Deeply as the hero plunged 投擲I’d follow,

 

    Psychoanalysts show bare 不加掩飾的 interest in these complexes of solitude, or at least  if they discover the traces 痕跡of one they base their interpretations 解釋on familiar, social, or domestic 家庭的factors. The psychoanalyst who came across 偶遇these lines by Holderline would respond to the poet something like this: “ As it is love which restrains 遏制 you, there would appear to be something you are trying to escape. Your beloved smothers 使窒息you in affection, hence you dream of death. You love her deeply in return and so, Empedoclean that you are, you find yourself hating her at least a little. You are consumed  燒毀by two opposing flames.” The Empedoclean philosopher’s great lesson, it seems, was to have pointed out of the intimate, tenacious 堅韌的 union 結合between hatred and love. Empedocles was precursor 先驅to the philosophy of ambivalence 愛恨交加. He inscribed 銘記love and hatred in the very mechanism 機械學of the Universe. How could this same ambivalence not be present 存在於in the human heart? And how then could it not be found at the heart of that dynamic 有活力的 super-element 超級因素, fire. Fire is benevolent 仁慈and cruel. It is a god, truly.

 

   With this we find ourselves back in the realm 領域 of images, at the dynamic center of excessive imagery 意象 . We have, in a certain manner 方式, been transposed 轉換ourselves by an Empedocles Complex which has been itself transposed into the realm of poetry. Solitude 孤獨 in reading is ours once again, a means 方法to escape the socialized investigations of the psychoanalysts. The poetic can be lived by us apart from our experience of the mundane 世俗. As Genevieve Bianquis has put it: “ What does it matter 重要 if such moments are fleeting 瞬間so long as they are imperishable 不可毀滅的.” When an Empedocles Complex is present in a poem we experience that imperishable instant 瞬間of figurative 象徵, Cosmic 宇宙的death.

 

   In moments such as these the superiority 優秀of the Poetic over the Psychological becomes apparent 明顯. The more resolutely 決心one puts off all traces of psychology, cutting oneself of what Nietzsche, I believe, terms 稱呼 “ the plague 瘟疫of biography,” the more certain one will be of having entered the realm 領域of Poetics.

 

   The imaginary complex 情結 calms itself in a writer’s works or work. And with this we have arrived at the very heart of our study of literary activity, at the very seat of the Poetics of Fire. What might have become of  遭遇Nietzsche’s imaginary life had he succeeded in creating his Empedocles?

 

   Empedoclean temptations 誘惑 are to be found even in the anti-Empedoclean ourbursts 爆發 of Zarathoustra. One venerates 尊敬the flames of hell even in mocking 嘲諷them, and the splendors of Etna’s fate are but poorly suppressed 壓抑in anti-Empedoclean imagery. The two opposing orders 秩序of violence inhabit駐紮在the same realm. Listen as Nietzsche curses 詛咒the Volcano rising from the sea “ not far from the happy Isles 小島of Zarathoustra”:

 

  This term 用詞Ventriloquist 腹語表演者 alone stands as sufficient mockery 嘲諷of all the rumblings 隆隆聲of the Earth and terrifying din 喧囂聲 of the Volcano. To make fun 作樂 in this way is to free oneself of childish fright. Beside the many child-adults frightened of the Dog of the Abyss 深淵,  Nietzsche seems a man, a veritable 真實的superman.

 

   He derides 嘲笑 all the Volcano’s demons 惡魔, declaring:

 

   “ You know to bellow 怒吼and to darken with ashes灰燼! Best braggarts 自誇者and the world experts in the art of making the mud seethe 沸騰.”

  

   It matters little that these imprecations 詛咒語are followed by a tirade 激烈的攻擊against the revolutionaries 革命of the day. If Nietzsche hopes to draw comparisons 對比 between the troubles of society and the cataclysms  劇烈變動of the subterranean 地下的world, he wastes his own time and his reader’s both. Only the image is real; the volcano alone possesses true dynamic 有活力的power. The real life in Nietzche’s work is to be found in his images. We see him here in hot pursuit 追求of excessive imagery—he declaims 發表 inflammatory 煽動性words, incensed 憤怒的words directed not to an audience but to Etna as imagined by a rebellious 反叛的Empedocles who believes in shouting No to the temptations of the void 空無

 

    Yet, in cursing 詛咒the volcano, Nietzsche belongs to the volcano. He confesses 坦承in another poem to a flame-like nature of his own.

 

              Ecce Homo 瞧！這個人

        Yes, I know from whence I came!

        Ever hungry like a flame,

        I consume 燒毀myself and glow.發光

        Light grows all that I conceive 想像,

        Ashes everything I leave;

        Flame I am, assuredly 確定.

 

    But far more than the flame of a hearth 爐床fire, the Philosopher is Flame of a Volcano:

 

    My life is a consuming 燒毀的 fire, and so long as its victim shall live so long shall pour forth the holy smoke of its holocaust 大破壞. The perfumed 芳香的cloud will fly into the distance, out over the sea, stirring 激動 the solitary Navigator’s 航海者的heart.

 

    In the resonance 共鳴of these poems is it possible to avoid the sense that an Empedoclean fate 命運remained alive in Nietzsche the philosopher’s dreams? Empedocles ends up a wisp 縷of smoke, a perfumed 芳香的cloud overhanging 垂懸 the sea. Nietzsche never tells us the tale; everything is there in the one master image. Images suffice 足夠because of their vastness 廣漠. Images make one as big as the world. The Poetics of Fire require no storyline. A storyline is but the string 串線on which the pearls 珍珠are strung, hardly worth a second thought once one has been transfixed 怔住by the richly jeweled marvels 驚奇 of fire.

 

springherohsiung@hotmail.com

火的詩學 02

火的詩學 02

A Poetics of Fire by Gaston Bachelard

 

VIII

 

   Sometimes a fire just getting started is already active in the flesh 肉身. A human being is a living pyre 火葬柴堆. Rene Char, in the dedication 獻辭to his fine book In Search of Base and Summit 尋求山谷與山頂, gives expression to the ardor 激情 in an inborn 天生的pyre , a personal Empedoclean image. One can be “ burned alive,” the poem tells us, “ by fire no greater than oneself.”

 

An Empedocles of this sort is on fire even prior to 早先於 his final plunge投擲. So grandiose 宏偉is such a philosopher’s dream of combustion 燃燒, he offers himself up to the volcano for the volcano’s own sake. It is necessary to think: “ If I cast myself into the fire, my own ardor will fan 煽起 the flames.” We will burn together, the two of us, and share together the splendid life of fire.” Incendiary 煽火者and fire become one.

 

The philosopher, a choice 精選的combustible 可燃物, purifies vulgar 粗俗的worldly fire, enhancing 增加 its worth. But this purgative 淨化的 process is set in motion 觸發already by images of fire. All poets and all dreamers stir continually the fire beneath the mountain. It is they who are the life of the volcano; its destiny is theirs. Something would be lacking in the poetry of volcanoes if the private drama of Empedocles had not found its apotheosis 神聖化的人物 upon the summit of Mount Etna.

 

In the case of Rene Char, a poet who feels burning within himself fire equal to Fire, flames before the Flame, it is necessary to speak of an inner pyre, a pyre longed for 渴望 which exists in order to extinguish 熄滅flames of inner fire. The pyre of Hercules is neither widow’s pyre 寡婦的柴堆 nor disciple’s pyre 門徒的柴堆 for it consumes 燒毀 not the past. The presence of the image triumphs over history and legend and culture. Is not the tunic 素腰外衣of Nessus devouring吞沒 Hercules’ flesh a truly unforgettable image, a remordent 一再重複的 remorse 痛悔, a burn which burns again, still burns, will burn forever?

 

Why does such an image remain morally 確實viable 可實行even if one has but a poor or vague remembrance of its source in legend! The expression “ burning memory” apart from any image or analysis is only an expression but one at least which puts the image forth , starting it to life as a result. Each one of us is in possession of  擁有a secret pyre.

 

But let us not forget that Hercules was living flame throughout his life, the “ Glory of the Air.” As Paul de Saint Victor has put it: “ His former solar 太陽的nature…smothered 悶抑 secretly within his human form…” All the labors of Hercules were labors of rage 憤怒 which glorified his rage; the fires of rage nourished 滋養his existence. “ One might have said,” Saint-Victor continues,

 

    That the monsters he slew 屠殺 took their revenge in merging 融合with his being. The Nemean lion which he made into a cloak 外衣, the head of the Erymanthian boar 野豬with which he covered his bead, seemed thus reincarnate 化身and furiously 憤怒地alive within him.

 

The lion, solar in its essence, stirs the solar Hero with its fires. Fire lies at the root of Hercules’ exploits 事業, and fire is essential to his death.

 

His pyre merely finishes off what the fires of his volcanic anger have begun. Volcano is the term 用詞Saint-Victor chooses: invectives 謾罵issue forth. He cried out for a thunderbolt 霹靂to end his torment 痛苦.” Saint-Victor goes on to evoke 召喚  “ the myth of Solar Herculars, whose twelve labors represent the twelve signs of the firmament 天空. An extraordinary image comes to mind, that of a zodiac 星座constellated 命名星座 with monsters which grow to fill the heavens.” He concludes:

 

The holocaust 大屠殺would soon be consummated 完成. In a radiant whirlwind 旋風, from the summit of Mount Etna, a transfigured 變形 Hercules will fly skyward towards Olympus, all ablaze 燃燒, to take his seat among the gods.

 

Of course these many images are only oratorical 雄辯 . They describe nothing. But even an oratorical image must have its place in the kingdom of fire. The oratorical image may describe nothing, but it serves to elevate 提升thought to the heights of the imagination.

 

An entire generation of mythologists 神話學家 has attempted to link human destiny to celestial 天上events. A field of excessive metaphors 隱喻has been established linking the psychology of heroes to celestial cosmology 宇宙論. Cosmic reveries 幻想somehow became incarnated 具體化 in the figures of legend. In dreaming large, humanity grew to fill the world. A detailed dictionary now permits one to pass from psychological meaning to mythological meaning and back again. In analyzing legends dialectically 辯證法地, in terms of both the humanizing and the cosmicizing 宇宙化tendencies of language, one may understand things human and things cosmic doubly 雙重地, or rather imagine them twice: Hercules’ pyre becomes the setting sun..

 

 

Epilogue 結束語

 

The sage 聖賢 inquires of one pointing out an image: “What do you conceal from me in pointing out this image so? You point, but this demonstrates nothing. No one able to demonstrate would deign俯允to point. “

 

The more brilliant an image the more troubling its ambiguity 曖昧, for its ambiguity is that of the depths.

 

Respectable people prefer their images both superficial 表面的 and ephemeral 短暫的: water flowing clear over a sandy bottom, reflecting a distant sky…But heaven and earth together account for 解釋the verticality 垂直of an image. All that rises harbors the powers of the depths within.