Archive for the ‘雄伯手記960818’ Category

雄伯手記960818

November 8, 2007

970620雄伯手記

遠東第四冊有篇課文Body Language, 有個句子: The furthest business people feel comfortable standing away from each other is in the most crowded country: Japan. 問到底下劃線部份is 的主詞時,學生均不知如何回答。

最高級的形容詞或副詞當主詞,後面再帶個形容詞子句的修飾語,其實常有。

The best I can do is offer him some advice.

The least I should do is drop in on him.

The greatest dramatist I admire is Shakespeare.

The furthest thing that is from my intention is to offend you.

The nearest I came to being killed was in that accident ..

後面兩句比較令人困擾在於the furthest 是由 far from (絲毫沒有), the nearest 是由come near to (幾乎)轉型過來。若不懂原來成語用法,你很難翻譯成為「我絲毫無意冒犯你」及「我最靠近死亡邊緣是在那次車禍。」

The furthest 聯想到印度詩人「泰戈爾」Tagore那首膾炙人口的情詩The Furthest Distance in the World,潛意識不禁有幾分惘然:

The furthest distance in the world

Is not between life and death

But when I stand in front of you

Yet you don’t know that I love

The furthest distance in the world

Is not when I stand in front of you

Yet you can’t see my love

But when undoubtedly knowing the love from both

Yet cannot be together

The furthest distance in the world

Is not being apart while being in love

But when plainly can not resist the yearning

Yet pretending you have never been in the heart

The furthest distance in the world

Is not when plainly can not resist the yearning

But using one’s indifferent heart

To dig an uncrossable river

For the one who loves you.

970621vm雄伯手記

今天是星期四,D異乎往常地並沒有上班。中午點的午餐點的是壽司。我多嘴地問一聲要不要莎西米,她不置可否地回一聲也好。午餐就這樣拍板定案。只是潛意識上我對於莎西米是心有餘懼的,因為前幾個月的腳痛風,我就是由於沒有其它菜餚,一口氣吃了一百五十元的莎西米而引發。因此在因果關係的邏輯推理上logically或現實時間順序上chronologically,莎西米都硬被我栽贓為腳痛風的罪魁禍首。 當然,人性的基本弱點或優點就是健忘。上星期在東海岸遊客中心讀書會三百五十元一份的自助餐,其中最令人垂涎的就是那道生猛而魅豔的莎西米。我躊躇徘徊了幾匝,終於還是抗拒不了誘惑地夾了四片。其實明知Nobody else cares,全盤操之在己地自圓其說:「我想驗證一下莎西米是不是造成腳痛風的主因。」 人生的抉擇,不論是哈姆雷特的To be or not to be,或是莎西米的To eat or not to eat,其實都帶有耶非耶的賭博成份。這使我想到哲學宗教界膾炙人口的「巴斯卡的骰子」Pascal’s Throw of Dice:若上帝不存在,一切可為,人類的發展具有無限的可能性。反過來說,若上帝存在,你們這些妄自尊大的人類,只有下地獄讓煉火焚燒的命運。

問題是上帝存在不存在,由誰來舉證?民主國家的法律有所謂的「無罪推定」的觀念Give the benefit of doubt. 但是在神學及生命哲學的信仰上,信者恆信,不信者恆不信,舉證的責任在何方?巴斯卡最後選擇了賭知性的獨立自由,放手拋開骰子。萬一骰子塵埃落定,果真上帝存在,地獄煉火正熊熊燃燒地等著他死後的靈魂的苦刑折磨,那也只有走著瞧地認了。這就是人,這就是人生。

970625雄伯手記

學生期考的星期,一對一的家教全部暫停。心情一旦輕鬆,前幾個月縈迴不止的出國自助旅遊的念頭,也跟著消失得無影無蹤。連作為替代方案的騎五十西西機車再環島,或嘗鮮搭乘太魯閣到台北誠品買買洋書的慾念都提不起來。

前夜早睡,清晨醒來腦筋特別清楚,讀起書來也特別穎悟。首先將預備做為下週讀書會之用的Mikkel Borch Jocobsen The Laughter of Being通篇看完,意猶未盡地再拿出他研究精神分析大師「拉岡」Lacan 的專著The Absolute Master.

發覺真是處處機鋒銳見,心想早該整本都讀了。

午覺後醒來騎機車到瓊林書店逛逛,霍然發現兩本淨土真宗的兩本經典:曇鸞註天親菩薩的「往生論」及道綽的「安樂集」。但是沒有立即買下,因為網路上已經可以搜尋得到,有心要細讀時再下載。倒是在舊書鋪花三十元低價買到一本高森顯轍的「淨土本願問答錄」第三輯。

連帶地把我擱置已久的對親鸞及蓮如上人的好奇心又引發出來。今早起來,讀完

Jocobsen Crime and Punishment 篇章後,開始往網路上搜尋親鸞及蓮如的英文資料。令人驚奇地發現,重要經典如「教行信證」、「御文章」「歎異鈔」等都已有完整的英譯及評論。

當然心裡不是沒有興起想要然涉獵的欲念,只是我目前心中的旁騖太多。又要兼一對一的家教補貼生活,又想把後現代哲學理論弄得更清楚些。若再貪心染指佛學,恐怕這輩份知識方面永遠停留在樣樣略知,沒一樣精通Jack of all trades layman的階段。

曇鸞引無上依經說:「佛告阿難,一切眾生若起我見如須彌山,我所不懼。何以故。此人雖未即得出離,當不壞因果報故;若起空見如芥子,我即不許。何以故?此見者破喪因果、多墮惡道,未來生處必背我化。」讀畢不禁悚然心驚。顯然,佛陀雖然闢空義,談的是「色即是空、空即是色,」的二諦往復。對於僅僅破除我執自戀的「空見」一再告誡,因為那將掉入虛無主義,落入惡道的「斷滅空」。然而一方面要依法性實理,另一方面又要顧其二諦,實在很難把捏其間的平衡。

970701雄伯手記

最近讀到pulsation這個單字是在一篇托福的lecture聽力。天文學家憑藉星光悸動的強弱及間隔時間的長短,測量出星際之間的距離。當時不免聯想到,人際之間心靈的悸動該是如何感受、如何測量?

今天早晨重新翻閱「拉岡」的The Four Fundamental Concepts of Psycho-analysis。主體跟精神分析師的移情transference 有正面及負面兩種:前者牽涉到跟真愛real love與假愛false love如何分別,後者牽涉到愛恨交加ambivalence的情感發揮到極致,會不會發展換喻成為What began in admiration ends up in murder?

「分析師存在的本身就是無意識的顯示。」拉岡語重心長地說:「但是主體以一種若隱若現的悸動方式,展現一下隨又再關閉。這種悸動比激發動機的意符的插入更為積極,但是又不是本質的根本所在。」The subject opens up only to close again in a certain temporal pulsation—a pulsation I regard as being more radical than the insertion in the signifier that no doubt motives it, but is not primary to it at the level of essence.

這種心靈的悸動產生的移情究竟是真愛還是假愛,「拉岡」還是語焉不詳地閃爍其詞。的確,假如主體對於自己真實生命本質的展現是乍現即隱地矇矓,也就是說假如主體在「既知以心為形役,奚惆悵而獨悲」的現實勞碌中,連自己是何許人的人生定位都不甚瞭然,他或她如何去判斷偶爾乍現即隱所產生的心靈的悸動,是他或她一生該拼命追求的真愛或僅是一時的心血來潮?

想到英國詩人Wordsworth膾炙人口的短詩:

My Heart leaps up when I behold

A rainbow in the sky:

So was it when my life began,

So it is now I am a man,

So be it when I shall grow old

Or let me die!

The child is father of the man:

And I could wish my days to be

Bound each to each by natural piety.

回想一下我們在純真的孩童之時,初見彩虹的驚豔不僅是乍現即隱地心靈悸動pulsation,而是坦蕩蕩地「我心雀躍 」My heart leaps up。為什麼「孩童是成人之父」這樣的弔詭句子也就不難理解了。

970702雄伯手記

夜間家教學生沒來,得之東隅在第四台看到「伊斯堂與愛索德」影片。「從一開始就知道不可能的愛,並不表示不是真愛。」熟稔醫術的女主角,偶然因緣拯救原被捨棄受傷已死的 ,因而擄獲對方的心,自己的心也因而被擄獲。但現實上原是敵對的政治終於使他們在悲劇中毀滅。

比較起來,「薄迦丘」的「十日談」所表現的男女情愛的追求、誘拐、抗拒與接納的遊戲就顯得喜劇多了。因瘟疫而隱居鄉間別墅的貴族男女,互相以說故事的模式frame story,撩撥對方潛意識的情慾。故事的情節的最高潮,使以貞節自持的伯爵夫人終於投懷送抱。

970724雄伯手記

忽然想起一部四十年代的老片「金石盟」Kings Row。一位才華卓越的醫生,結婚後發覺妻子患有嚴重精神疾病,只好隱居小鎮,以逃避倫理價值語言的尷尬。最後卻發現成長時期的女兒亦患有同樣症狀,終於陷入絕望,槍殺妻女後自殺。

台大副教授K騎腳踏車途中,為一位素昧平生,剛從「紀念結束動員勘亂二十週年特赦」放釋出來的罪犯沒來由地亂拳打死。有什麼話好說,時也!命也!

人生本質上就是如此的無常荒謬,我們能夠對誰去抗議?怨天尤人也是徒然。剩下唯一我們所能做的,就是培養一種「今天可能就是你生命的最後一天」的豁達的無常觀,自力救濟兼自求多福。

雄伯手記960522

人生的割捨並不容易,特別是自己長年努力經營累積的一點社會資源及人脈。然則為尋回迷失已久的真純,只有層層剝落虛榮自我的浮華。畢竟,有朝一日肉體往生時,必然的割捨更是具有強制性。

讀「卡爾維諾」Calvino的「卡薩諾瓦回憶錄」The Memoirs of Casnova,結尾一段話說得我心有戚戚焉:

This served to reassure me as to my image, but then I found myself commiserating with Fulvia over her future destiny: other men were worthless; I should warn her that the fullness she’d known with me wouldn’t happen again with anyone else. She answered that she too felt sorry for me, because our happiness came from our being together, once apart we would both lose it; but to preserve it for some time longer we should both immerse ourselves in it totally without imagining we could define it from without.

The conclusion I came to from without, waving my handkerchief to her from the ship as the anchor was raised, was this: the experience that had entirely occupied Fulvia all the time she was with me was not the discovery of myself and not even the discovery of love or of men, but of herself; even in my absence this discovery, once begun, would never cease; I had only been an instrument.

英國當代作家「福勒斯」John Fowlers,在「法國中尉的女人」,描寫中產階級的「查爾斯」Charles ,割捨一切社會資源後,卻發現伊人杳然無蹤,結論是:

The river of life, of mysterious laws and mysterious choice, flows past a deserted embankment; and along that other deserted embankment Charles now begins to pace, a man behind the invisible gun carriage on which rests his own corpse. He walks towards an imminent, self-given death? I think not, for he has at last found an atom of faith in himself, a true uniqueness, on which to build: ha already begun, though he would still bitterly deny it, though there are tears in his eyes to support his denial, to realize that life, however, advantageously Sarah may be in some ways seem to fit the role of Sphinx, is not a symbol, is not one riddle and one failure to guess it, is not to inhabit one face alone or to be given up after one losing throw of the dice; but is to be, however, inadequately, emptily, hopelessly into the city’s iron heart, endured. And out again, upon the unplumbed, salt, estranging sea.

神秘難測、神秘難擇的人生之河,流經荒漠堤道。查爾斯現在開始踽踽獨行於另一個荒漠堤道,宛似自己是一具屍體,挺置背後的是一把隱形的手槍。他正走向迎面而來的咎由自取的死亡嗎?我不這樣認為,因為他最後終於找到一點對自己的信心,一個真實的獨特性可以賴以建立。僅管他依舊痛苦地否認,僅管他眼中噙著眼淚再三否認,他終於開始體會到:僅管莎拉許多方面扮演人面獅身人生之謎的角色唯妙唯肖,人生畢竟不是一個象徵符號,不是一個我們無法猜測的謎團,不是只能容納獨一無二的臉孔,不是我們賭輸就得全盤盡棄的骰子。人生的是隨緣順受眾生的鐵石冷漠,無論是多麼的心力交瘁,慘然或黯然。 河流盡處是浩浩乎大海,吾往矣!

雄伯手記970616

套用哲學家「吉傑克」Zizek的話,人本質上是一個神經質的主體 the ticklish subject,潛意識的自尊心一但受到外在震撼,反撲的權力結構馬上運作防衛。可是,在另一方面,我們又期望這樣一個神經質主體,彼此可以和諧相處,可以互相溝通了解,可以激勵向上,如張良之於漢高祖。看來有點像是不可能的任務。

人對於自我的認知往往不是流於過度自大,就是過度自卑。兩者發生衝突時,往往寧可藉生理上的病痛做為掩飾,也不願承認潛意識自我尊嚴的不堪。有時不免困惑:人為什麼如此固執地逃避或捍衛這個幽微朦朧的領域呢?有沒有人勇於面對或突破自我尊嚴的卑微不堪,結果是使生命走向毀滅還是變得更有活力?