雄伯手記1001126

雄伯手記1001126

前些日子,一位素有「山癡」之名的銀行總經理,在跟原住民攀爬深山時,跌落深谷而亡。今天又有一位國立大學的博士教授,退休後在自己樓房墜樓而死。這些訊息在告訴我們什麼?人生岌岌可危的,絕非就是求診于諮商室的神經症及憂鬱症分析者,而是外表上光鮮亮麗的每個眾生,包括你和我。

下載到傑克、倫敦」Jack London 的「馬丁、伊頓」Martin Eden的英文版。其中有一段,我以前閱讀時耳熟能想詳。描述馬丁貧窮落魄時,女友Lizzi因家庭反對離他而去。等到他獲得國家文學獎後,功成名就時,Lizzi 回來相會的那段對白:

“ I could die for you! I could die for you!’ Lizzie’s words were ringing in his ears.

“ Why didn’t you dare it before? “ he asked harshly. “ When I hadn’t a job? When I was starving? When I was just as I am now, as a man, as artist, the same Martin Eden?” That’s the question I’ve been propounding to myself for many a day—not concerning you merely, but concerning everybody. You see I have not changed, though my sudden apparent appreciation in value compels me constantly to reassure myself on that point! I’ve got the same flesh on my bones, the same ten fingers and toes. I am the same. I have not developed any new strength nor virtue. My brain is the same brain. I haven’t made even one new generalization on literature or philosophy. I am personally of the same value that I was when nobody wanted me. And what is puzzling me is why they want me now. Surely they don’t want me for myself, for myself is the same old self they did not want. Then they must want me for something else, for something that is outside of me, for something that is not I! Shall I tell you what that something is? It is for the recognition I have received. That recognition is not I. It resides in the minds of others. Then again for the money I have earned and am earning. But that money is not I. It resides in banks and in the pockets of Tom, Dick and Harry. And is it for that, for the recognition and the money, that you now want me?

「我能夠為你而死!我能夠為你而死!」麗莎的話語迴響在他的耳際。
「你以前為什麼不敢那樣說?」他厲聲地問道。「我當時沒有工作的時候?當我一文莫名的時候?當我僅是我目前這個樣子的時候?作為一個人,作為一位藝術家,相同的馬丁伊頓?那個每一天我一直跟自己詢問的問題—不僅是關於你,而且關於每一個人。你明白我並沒有改變,雖然我的文學價值突然獲得重視,讓我在那一點上不斷地確認我自己。在我的骨頭,我還是相同的肉身,相同的十個手指頭及腳趾頭。我還是同樣的人。我並沒有發展新的力量或新的價值。我的腦還是相同的腦。我對於文學或哲學甚至沒有什麼新的觀念。我個人還是跟以前沒有人要我的時候,是同樣的價值。目前讓我感到困惑的是,為什麼他們現在要我了?的確,他們要的並不是我自己本身,因為我自己本身跟他們不要我時的自我沒有什麼兩樣。那麼他們一定是要我的別的東西,屬於我生命外在的東西,屬於我生命本質以外的東西。要我告訴你,那個東西是什麼嗎?那就是因為獲得的承認。 那個承認並不是我。那是駐紮在別人心裡的東西。而且是因為我所獲得的金錢,以及我正在獲得的金錢。但是那個金錢並不是我,金錢駐紮在銀行裡,在湯姆,笛克,及哈瑞的口袋裡。你現在要我的,不就是那樣?我獲得的承認及金錢?」

你們瞧!這時的馬丁、伊頓並非一無所有。他屢次獲得國家文學獎後,所有的舊作全部暢銷,可說是名利雙收,連以前拋棄他的情人也主動回來。在這樣的情況下,他竟然選擇孤獨地游向冰冷的海底,餵鯊魚去了!

分析家呀!分析家呀!你們要怎樣跟他做分析?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: