雄伯手記981015

雄伯手記981011

「我每天上班八小時,時間就已經賣給別人。回到家裡,我不想再把時間耗在別人身上。」旅居美國二十幾年,回來探親的Lo 幽怨地說:「可是跟人相處總免不了要有互相遷讓的時候。」

「工作跟同居夥伴,必要時你願意捨棄哪一個?」我試探地問。

「假如沒有工作,我的餘生的經濟勢必完全仰賴他。可是一方面他已經退休,收入沒有以前多。另一方面,我們倆的相處名份並不很固定,隨時會因為意見不合而分手。那我日後的生活要怎麼過?」

「換句話說,你連選擇的自由都沒有!」

她茫然地看著我,不知是否是要爭辯,她事實上已經做了環境及理性所允許的最佳選擇,或是不理解我所謂的選擇的自由,真正的意涵是什麼。

早上因沉溺於匪夷所思的夢境而晏起,下樓時首先進入我眼簾的是放置在電腦桌上的「塞尚的疑惑」,那是數週前讀書會閱讀龐蒂的材料。

Psychoanalysis does not make freedom impossible; it teaches us to think of this freedom concretely, as a creative revival of ourselves, always, in retrospect, faithful to ourselves.

(精神分析並沒有使自由成為不可能,它教導我們要具體地看待這個自由,當著是我們自我的創造性復活,追憶中總是忠實於我們自我的自由。)

Yet it was in the world that he had to realize his freedom, with colors upon a canvas. It was from the approval of others that he had to await the proof of his worth. That is why he questioned the picture emerging beneath his hand, why he hung on the glances other people directed toward his canvas. That is why he never finished working. We never get away from our life. We never see ideas or freedom face to face.

(可是就在這個世界中,他必須實現他的自由,將顏色塗抹在畫布上。別人同意,他必須等待他價質的證明。那就是為什麼他質疑出現在他筆下的畫面,為什麼他留駐別人凝視他畫布的眼光。那就是為什麼他從來沒有完成工作。我們從來沒有逃離我們的生活。我們從來沒有面對面地看待意念或自由。)

再聯想到上星期翻譯龐蒂「感覺現象學」的「論自由」,一直迷惑的句子: Unless there are cycles of behavior, open situations requiring a certain completion and capable of constituting a background to either a confirmatory or transformatory decision, we never experience freedom.(除非有反復出現的行為,及開放的情境要求某種的完成,並且能夠形為可以驗證或轉移的背景,我們永遠不會經驗到自由。)

茫然間我若有所悟:我們一輩子生活在社會環境替我們制約的「語言的囚房」,何嘗有過選擇的自由?「煩惱即菩提」說起來容易,在實際的生活,光是意識的糾纏跟折磨,就夠你失眠輾轉好幾夜。能否面對面看待自由,需要何去何從的行為來替自己做驗證。

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