雄伯舊記9303

E0425

 

    聽辦公室同仁T意氣風發地暢談為子女在台北購置公寓大樓。我對豪宅並沒有艷羨之情,但也不免感到一絲黯然的心情。自從自己當年選擇婚姻的的劣勢經濟結構,餘生似乎就始終在勉以度日的邊緣掙扎。如今W將在台北聽經聞法的經濟開銷視為理所當然的權利,我更無任何餘裕作任何改善的可能。不敢率爾退休,是因為可以想見以後日子的每況愈下了。

 

   班上班級羽球競賽得到第二名,合唱比賽第三名,學生明講暗喻要吃比薩或蛋糕均可,甚至將比薩特價的廣告單貼在講桌上,「別班老師都有請呢!」問題是一人請眾人,大略估算一下,也要兩三千元的價位。不敢率爾答應,先顧左右而言他,爭取一點緩衝的時間再說。

 

   上課正入神時in full swing,學生突然不約而同向外注視,驚奇不置。原來是操場上大風起兮塵飛揚,變天了。果然,今天早晨醒來就發現細雨綿綿,看來是要進入梅雨季節了。想一想,每天忙碌於工作讀書,對於季節的變遷幾乎達到漠視的程度,實在是有愧於理應是適應氣候變化,作為動物性的人。季節的更迭不就是意謂著年歲又向前推移,也就是距離大限的日子越來越近了,能不悚然以懼乎?至少總該內心自惕一下罷?

 

   不知為何最近心神不寧,夜間老是惡夢連連。明知這只是自己劣勢的潛意識符號,在重新排列組合所造成的心裡現象,跟現實世界的吉凶禍福,理應沒有直接的關聯。醒來後,還是不免自惕,說話行事務必要盡量低調謹慎,免得無端為人所構陷,或成眾矢之的,為人指指點點。之所以會形成如此神經質式的性格,想是成長歷程中看過太多人際之間互相陷害鬥爭的現實,自然不希望重蹈他人覆轍的命運。

 

   .偶爾看了幾次電視連續劇「雍正王朝」,好奇心被撩起來,趁著空檔到圖書館借幾本「帝王系列」及「清宮之謎」讀一讀。發現歷史小說跟文學評論一樣,也有所謂的原型人物,也就歷代人名朝朝不同,但權力傾軋仍然有一定模式可言。弄到後來,也沒有幾位有好場的。其中習得的智慧就是:越是峰迴路轉的時候,越是要知道隱遁避禍的重要性。

 

   從網路上下載到「傑克、倫敦」Jack London 的「馬丁、伊頓」Martin Eden的英文版。其中有一段我以前閱讀時耳熟能想詳。描述馬丁貧窮落魄時,女友Lizzi因家庭反對離他而去。等到他獲得國家文學獎後,功成名就時,Lizzi 回來相會的那段對白:

 

   “ I could die for you! I could die for you!’ Lizzie’s words were ringing in his ears.

   “ Why didn’t you dare it before? “ he asked harshly. “ When I hadn’t a job? When I was starving? When I was just as I am now, as a man, as artist, the same Martin Eden?” That’s the question I’ve been propounding to myself for many a day—not concerning you merely, but concerning everybody. You see I have not changed, though my sudden apparent appreciation in value compels me constantly to reassure myself on that point! I’ve got the same flesh on my bones, the same ten fingers and toes. I am the same. I have not developed any new strength nor virtue. My brain is the same brain. I haven’t made even one new generalization on literature or philosophy. I am personally of the same value that I was when nobody wanted me. And what is puzzling me is why they want me now. Surely they don’t want me for myself, for myself is the same old self they did not want. Then they must want me for something else, for something that is outside of me, for something that is not I! Shall I tell you what that something is? It is for the recognition I have received. That recognition is not I. It resides in the minds of others. Then again for the money I have earned and am earning. But that money is not I. It resides in banks and in the pockets of Tom, Dick and Harry. And is it for that, for the recognition and the money, that you now want me?

 

   功成名就了,還這樣死腦筋看不開,最後的下場只有孤獨地游向冰冷的海底,餵鯊魚去了!

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